


Fantastic Foxes of Zootopia: Oneshots and Drabbles.

by J_Shute



Series: The Fantastic Foxes of Zootopia [4]
Category: Fantastic Mr. Fox, Zootopia (2016), アグレッシブ烈子 | Aggressive Retsuko | Aggretsuko (Anime)
Genre: Drabbles, Multi, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2020-06-09 20:35:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19483531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Shute/pseuds/J_Shute
Summary: A place for me to post all the little plot bunnies for Fantastic Foxes of Zootopia that don't fit in the main plotline. Expect silliness, non-canon chaos, and weird things here and there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Fantastic foxes of Zootopia: Drabbles and one-shots collection.**

.

**AN: Hello readers! For those of you unaware, my main series ‘Fantastic Foxes of Zootopia’ is a mega crossover, with series one primarily crossing Zootopia with Fantastic Mr Fox and Aggretsuko, with a few other IP’s joining in in the background. With series 2 and 3, I intend to up the fun even further.**

**For the main series, I have a tight plot plan all line out. However, this leaves out space for all sorts of fun things going on, both canon and non-canon. And that is why this little collection is here.**

**This title page, after an intro story (to appease the critics united inquisitors) will offer an index of all the future stories, along with notes as to whether they’re canon, non-canon, or whether certain parts of the main series or individual IP’s need to be read for context and or spoilers.**

**In addition, later stories will also have things such as cast lists to help people out with the main series.**

**.**

**Anyway, without further ado, a little taster of the kind of thing this taster will feature.**

**.**

**Police complaints department **

**(Non-Canon) (Aggretsuko Season 2 useful for context):**

.

Chief Bogo sighed as he saw officer Hopps slip into his office, Wilde following her as usual. They were both good officers, one certainly less annoying than the other, but it seemed that the good one was in trouble. Big trouble.

“You asked for me?” she asked, as she hopped onto the waiting chair, her feet swaying over the edge.

“Yes, Hopps,” he grunted, as he brought out his computer. Opening it up, he began filing through to his emails, selecting the relevant document. “Do you know how many complaints we usually get for officer?”

Her ears immediately collapsed down, drooping on the back of her head. “I don’t know,” she answered, her voice stuttering slightly. “-But if I did something wrong, I’m happy to try and fix it. Or go on disciplinary action if it’s required.”

“If by that you mean parking duty, then forget it,” Bogo said firmly, giving her an odd bit of hope. “It’s thanks to that little activity that we’re in this mess to begin with,” he said, as he pressed print and walked over to her. Towering over her like a mountain, he kept a chilling silence for a few seconds, the only interrupting sound being the printer busy at work, before carrying on. “A certain mammal objected to you ticketing him last Thursday.”

“-Isn’t that traffic court business?” she asked meekly.

“From what I gather, they’re suffering too,” he said, before shaking his head. “But a certain mammal who you ticketed seemed to have a lot to say about your conduct. We’ve had repeated emails and calls about it, and it’s persisted for a few days. So, Hopps, we either have a crazy mammal on our paws, or you have done something truly spectacular.”

“I’m sorry sir, I don’t remember anything,” she said, shaking her head slightly.

Bogo’s head tilted a little. “Does the name Anai Horoshiro ring a bell?” he asked.

“No….”

“Records show him as a Japanese Badger, _Meles Anakuma_ , who has leucism and thus pale creamy fur. Remember him now, Hopps?”

A few blinks of her eyes, timed with the sound of the printer busy at work, and she nodded her head. “I think he seemed like an ordinary young mammal who’d parked on double yellow lines.”

“One of which had been covered in gunk,” Nick pointed out.

“I did advise him he could take a picture for traffic court,” she defended, looking up at the fox. She looked back at Bogo, who seemed to just look more tired than anything. “Besides chief, we’ll just see what happens when we see his report!”

“Yup,” Nick nodded. “Right after you’ve finished printing off your work.”

…

“Wilde, Hopps,” Bogo said, pointing back to the printer, a massive pile of double-sided pages growing at its base. “That is the report!”

…

“Officers, would you like my help in removing your jaws from the floor?”

Doing the hard work themselves, the pairs shook their head vigorously. “No…” “-No chief!” they went, as Judy leant over to get a better look at the ever-growing pile. “Oh Sweet cheese and crackers…” she whispered to herself, before sighing with relief as the printer finally ended.

“That’s the sign of a stable mammal there for certain,” Nick noted, gulping slightly.

Bogo’s eyelid raised and he walked over to it. “Something’s not right here,” he noted.

The pair nodded, expecting the stack to be brought over. Instead, the chief pulled out the bottom tray of the printer, and the duo looked on in horror as a replacement stack of white A4 was placed in, the printer then carrying on in earnest. “Thought it was out,” Bogo said, as he went back to his desk, pressed the intercom and spoke out.

“Clawhauser, can I have some replacement printing paper up in here?”

…

“About ten big bags. And make it urgent! We’ll need the first one of those very soon!”

A dull thud rang out, the chief glancing up and then down again. “-And can you warn the nurse that Wilde will be bringing in a fainted Hopps as well?”

…

“Thanks,” he said, before pausing. “Just to be safe, could you get me a few new ink carriages too?”

.

.

.

A few days later, Nick checked in on Judy, who’d been busy going through the complaint. Had it have been him, he’d have just shrugged it off as a crazy mammal, but she’d insisted that there might be useful things to learn from it.

And now she was crying.

Again.

“Right,” he sighed, sitting down behind her as he pulled out an emergency supply from his desk. “Let’s deploy the bunny blanket,” he narrated, pulling it around her and pulling her in tight. “Initiated head scritches, and then turn up the hug meter.”

Slowly she calmed down and, wiping her tears away, she looked up to Nick. “Thanks,” she sniffed.

“My pleasure,” he replied. “Now, may I ask what extra crazy thing our crazy mammal has done to…”

He was cut off as a sheet of paper was thrust into his face. Pushing it away, focussing on the words and scanning through, a scowl appeared on his muzzle.

.

_-In addition. Serious psychological issues were raised given the mammal in question who accosted me. ZPD officer Judy L Hopps is noted for her appearance during the nighthowler crisis, in which she perpetuated several dangerous and oft repeated myths about the Carnivora order in the initial and infamous press conference. This initial reveal of inherent and overt speciesism caused much suffering among the predators of the city, reinforced by the later actions of those in charge. Much of the public took her words verbatim, adding a third layer to the suffering experienced._

_All summarised, J Hopps is well noted as a source of fear and worry among Predators of Zootopia. Having her accost me, a predator, with a high level of ‘righteousness’ and authority in her actions, was thus an act of police terror. It reinforced the harm done by her previously, reopening major wounds that may never heal in the first place, while playing on our worst fears and insecurities._

_Along with the various replies and justifications that I have asked for, in writing, I await a justification for why such a mammal still feels that she is suitable for this line of work, given that any actions (with police authority behind her) against predators can be considered as a dangerous, oppressive and trauma inducing experience for those at the receiving end._

_…_

Nick scowled. Judy naturally began saying that there was an element of rightness to what he’d said, that she had screwed up, that she might have been hurting predators by her actions, that she needed to try and work out a way to apologise, to fix this wound that she’d opened. He just hugged and comforted her for a bit, before deftly pulling up the piece of paper and sticking it in the nearest shredder.

“NICK!!!!”

“What?” he justified, shrugging, before looking down. “It goes straight into recycling.”

“But…”

“I mean if we put that half of the rainforest we’ve printed his complaint letter onto into general trash, I’m pretty sure that that we’d get an even bigger complaint letter.”

“Nick,” she sighed, leaving the giant paper pile behind her. “It’s a real complaint…”

“From a crazy mammal.”

“He’s not…”

“Fluff,” he scolded. “He was crazy when he went past the first novellas length!”

She paused, blinking, before looking down. “It doesn’t mean there isn’t an element of truth,” she muttered, cursing herself. “I hurt him, I hurt other mammals…”

“Carrots…”

“I need to apologise!”

Nick scolded and brought out a sheet of paper and a pen, thrusting them in front of her. “Go ahead,” he said plainly.

Judy looked back at the pile of complaints still to read, then at the paper and, with a sigh, began filling it in.

…

Ten minutes later and after deeming it complete and confiscating it, so she didn’t spend a few weeks constantly revising it, Nick dusted his paws at a job well done. Taking Judy home, to have some emotional recovery, his brain began ticking.

Nobody got away with upsetting _his_ bunny, but at the same time trying to send back a load of crazy complaint letters about the complaint letters would be a fool’s exercise. You couldn’t fight this kind of crazy with crazy, you’d be completely out-crazied in a crazy mess of craziness.

No, this required something a little subtler.

…

A few favours pulled, and Nick had a little present for his complainer. Dropping off a little potted plant as an ‘apology gift’, he smiled from afar as he saw the nuisance mammal take it in, evidently not knowing about the secret speaker hidden in it.

Flicking his specs out, he gave a crap eating smirk at the mammal in question. “Enjoy complaining about this,” he said, before walking off.

That night, as he was getting ready for bed, Anai settled into his bed and began drifting off…

-Until the sound of a rather load mosquito perked him up. Stepping out of his bed, making his way around one of the moving boxes he still hadn’t unpacked, he searched for it before relaxing as the sound went away.

Back to his bed he went, settling in, covers over as he slowly began to…

The wavering buzz woke him up again, his face scowling, and he stood up again, searching around for the bloodsucking invader. Just like before, it faded away and he went back to bed, this time trying to ignore it as it returned. It didn’t take long for the sound to get to unbearable levels, and he spent the next hour searching intently for it, all the while ignorant to its true source, and the smirking fox controlling it.

Nick felt good as he irritated the irritating mammal, only to be broken off as Judy looked at him. “What are you up to?”

A few guilty mumblings and misdirections came out of his mouth, before he admitted that he was annoying the crazy mammal who hurt her.

…

“Nick,” she scolded. “You didn’t give me a chance!?”

“I thought you…”

“Would be upset?” she asked, wandering over to the controls. She saw his little dial, and a video feed from outside. “I’ve had time to think, and I think I want a piece of this,” she said, before pausing in thought.

“If you’re wondering about the video feed, that’s Finnick.”

Nodding, Judy took her turn to get revenge, before the pair eventually left for bed, leaving the speaker on random.

…

Back in his apartment, Anai slumped against the balcony door, that insect whine still taunting him. He was tired, and bored, and it wasn’t as if he had anything good to do that night.

A loud sound-ordinance breaking bang of a misfiring engine broke him from his reverie and, looking down, he saw an ancient, almost certainly non-roadworthy, van with a garishly insensitive mural on its side drive off in a cloud of improperly filtered toxic exhaust. He bolted forwards, closing his window to make sure none of it reached his lungs, before taking a little breather.

Remembering the license number, he looked over to where his laptop was. He was tired and bored, but he could certainly scratch the third item from that list of his.

.

.

.

.

**AN: So a taste of the kind of fun you might be experiencing here. Here’s the index of the fics.**

**.**

**1: Police complaints department:** (Non-Canon. No spoilers. Aggretsuko S2 useful for context).

 **2: Whack Battle:** (Non-Canon. No spoilers. Best to read up to S1E4 'Aggretopia'). **\---(Includes main series cast list, valid from end of 'Aggretopia').**


	2. Whack Battle (and Cast list as present at S1E4 (Aggretopia))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: In celebration of the first few fics of the series being released, and the main cast all getting introduced, I wrote this fic based on a suggestion of showing a whack bat game. It’s completely non-canon to the main series, but should be great fun for everyone.
> 
> Especially thanks to the help, generosity, and creative input of Bluelighthouse, who worked with me on another little crossover somewhere in here. Feel free to check out his fics, including the super fun and adorable ‘Greetings from Manta Bay’ and the gripping ‘10-7’. 
> 
> At the end of this fic, there’ll also be a cast list for all the fics so far, for people to use if they wish.

.

**Whack-Battle (plus cast list up to S1E4 (Aggretopia))**

.

.

“Basically, there's three grabbers, three taggers, five twig runners, and the player at whack-bat. Centre tagger lights a pine cone and chucks it over the basket and the player tries to hit the cedar stick off the cross rock. Then the twig runners dash back and forth until the pine cone burns out and the umpire calls "hotbox". Finally, you count up however many score-downs it adds up to and divide that by nine.”

Coach Skip paused, looking over the group of assembled mammals and focussing on those unfamiliar with the game. “You all got that, right?”

“Um…” Judy began, hopping up and down on her tippytoes, her palms held together. She looked at the albino otter who’d just given the instruction and smiled. “Just a bitter slower, please.”

Coach Skip just looked at her with a slight disappointment, before turning back to Nick Wilde, standing on his other side. “This _is_ the wonder bunny who saved Zootopia, right?”

The fox looked at him, crossing his arms slightly and smiling. “She certainly is. Don’t underestimate her, even if her ability to grasp rapidly explained complex concepts is about as good as your ability to narrate numerous nuances clearly.”

“I’d like to point out that I am the coach here,” he said. “I professionally teach this sport for a living, and this is the first time this has happened.”

“Yeah, sure,” Nick agreed. “I did read up on the rules though, and…”

“-And maybe a Whack bat legend could explain them better,” the coach said, waving out Mr Fox. “Take it away, Champ.”

Mr Fox cleared his throat, before smiling. “There's three grabbers, three taggers, a pitcher, five twig runners, and the player at whack-bat. The pitcher lights a pine cone and chucks it over to the player at Whack Bat, who then tries to knock the cedar stick off the cross rock. Meanwhile the twig runners dash back and forth until the pine cone burns out and the umpire calls "hotbox". Finally, you count up however many score-downs it adds up to and the divider divides that by nine.”

There was an appreciative round of applause, and all eyes turned to the coach. “Couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Mr Fox looked only proudly, only to be broken off by Judy.

“No, I still don’t get it.”

Shaking his head, Coach Skip walked over, before looking up at Nick. “I don’t see how this is going to work out.”

“I could explain it,” Nick said, smiling.

“Well, if you think you can beat me at my job, be my guest.”

“Great,” Nick replied, giving him a wink and moving out, in front of the assembled mammals. The great and eternal debate had recently heated up again. Girls vs Boys! Tods against vixens, Bucks battling Does, Dogs vs…”

“Cuss,” came a cry from the back, along with the sound of some dropped water bottles. There was a pause, before an opossum stepped out to the side. “They’re okay.”

“Good to here,” Nick replied, noting that that certainly would be an annoying interruption to any narration. Regardless, he had a job to do, given that the big question would be decided in a game of sports, and that sport would be Whack Bat. Unfortunately, many mammals didn’t really know the rules, so it was up to Nick to explain them.

“Right then, imagine a hexagon, a flat bottom and top and two points on the left and right. Stretch it right out, you get your court,” he explained, gesturing behind him. “Now, we have two teams of seven, eight with the mammals on the bench, and those teams are either on field or on Whack Bat. Paws up who’s with me so far?”

A bunch came up, bar those of a certain opossum.

“Right then,” Nick said, rallying himself once more. “Field there, two teams, one with bat, one with no bat? With me now?”

…

“-Okay then Mr Spiral eyes,” Nick said, smiling. “You can hang out on the bench today. -Anyhow, the team on the field has all seven players there. A pitcher in the centre, three grabbers whose home base can be on any of the points on the whack batter’s side, plus the mid-points. On the other side, you have three taggers, who operate by the same rules just on their side. Now, when the pitcher throws the ball, -or rather, as we live in a crazy cartoon world, a burning pinecone, the player at whack bat has to hit it. If he messes up and a grabber grabs it before it hits the ground, the player at whack-bat rotates out with a twig runner. -Otherwise, they or the taggers, depending on whose half it lands on as they can’t cross, must get the pinecone and hit the player at whack-bat with it while he’s not at home base. Why would he not be at home base, might you ask? Well, he has to run to the other side of the pitcher and knock the cedar stick off the crossrock in order for the twig-runners scores to count. Now, there are five of these guys, and between the pinecone being hit and it going out, the umpire calling hot-box as it does, they must run back and forth carrying sticks one at a time to their score piles. Now, there are variants of the game saying you only need to do this once, or that the player at whack bat can do it multiple times, multiplying the score of the twig-runners. Regardless of what it is, that score then gets divided by nine on the scoreboard by the seventh player on the batting team. Whack-Bat is unique in understanding that it might be played in schools by non-sporty kits who don’t want to be doing it, so in a great act of thoughtfulness it gives out a role for them.” The red fox couldn’t help but look on smugly as he rounded it all off. “Truly an equal opportunity sport!”

He was met by an enthusiastic clap from the crowd, especially from his team’s star player. Mr Fox whooped and cheered a little, before forwarding a big thumbs up. “That was certainly an excellently comprehensive explanation.”

“Well I do try,” Nick rolled off, before turning to Coach Skip. “Don’t you agree?”

“Well,” he said, quietly. “I must say it lacks elegance.” He brought his whistle out and blew, before waving the crowd out. “Positions! Girls on Whack-bat first.”

He looked on, counting them as they went, only to frown. “Wait, hold up a minute,” he said, as he waved the team captain over. Judy stood next to him, as he looked unenthusiastically at her. “Where’s your eighth member?”

“Well,” Judy began, trying to explain it all. “She’s a friend I have, but she works in a bar, and today their shift is a _bit_ overstretched! She’ll try to make it if we can, but that’s what the reserve player is for, right!”

He was still unimpressed. “The reserve is there as the rules say we’re supposed to have eight players.”

“We do! One just isn’t here yet…”

The coach looked out over the teams, hovering over Mr Fox, the Whack-Bat legend he’d heard so much about. He supposed he could be flexible, in order to finally see the master in action. “Very well then,” he said, waving Judy on. “Also, we’ll be playing Mesa City variant. Now that’s when the twig-runner multiplier is the square root of the cedar-stick runs rounded down to the next lowest integer.”

“Got it,” Judy replied as he marched forwards, grabbing her Whack Bat and stepping up to the plate. The five twig runners on her team got ready too. Kii Catano, her cheetah colleague from work; Skye Autumn, her new mechanic friend; Agnes, a friend of Ash’s; Felicity Fox, claiming to be an old dab paw at the sport; and Retsuko, the red panda office worker and new member to her friend group.

Over at the scoreboard, Retsuko’s friend Fenneko was ready to keep the scores.

Judy did some light stretches as the boys walked up to the plate. Behind her, Jack Savage was in position as the rear grabber, all wrapped up in the right protective clothing. In front of her Nick and Haida, Retsuko’s Hyena boyfriend, were the two grabbers, while Mr Fox and his nephew Kris were ready in the tagger positions at the back. She looked on nervously as the last two mammals arrived. Ash Fox, Mr Fox’s son, was walking next to Ookami, the tall maned wolf’s limbs acting like neon lit billboards advertising out fast pitches. He was a colleague of both Retsuko’s group and hers, and he’d been the one to pull those three into this.

While she didn’t want to imply anything, it seemed that the boys had won from that inclusion, getting two larger mammals while her team got two smaller ones.

Still, surprises could happen, and one was right now. Ookami was going back to the taggers position, while Ash stepped up to the pitcher’s plate.

“Ready to play?” Judy asked, smiling as she looked at the teenage Fox tod.

“Not yet,” he said, as he brought out a lighter and held it up to the pinecone. It slowly glowed, beginning to burn as he turned back to Judy. He squared his legs, pulled back his arm, and dug his claws in.

“Feeling a bit ready now…”

Judy paused for a little, before tightening up as Ash pitched the pinecone. Before she knew it, the flaming mass was hurting towards her, catching light. Grabbing her whack bat, she hit it forwards, smashing the lit cone high up into the sky. Already she was moving, charging forwards and bouncing right over Ash, getting some air on his head before coming down hard on the cedar stick. It was knocked off and out, and, digging in with all fours, Judy scurried back to her home base as she heard the Coach cry “Hot Box!”.

She looked out and spotted that Mr Fox had got the pinecone, currently throwing it over to Kris.

She could have got a few more runs in, but not enough to bring the total up to four. That was how many was needed to bring the multiplier up the two rather than one.

Hearing a few claps from around, Judy smiled before readying herself for the next pitch. This time, Ash sent his pinecone tumbling. It went slightly to the side, and Judy lunged to meet it with her bat, only then realising what a mistake it was. The pinecone clipped the top of the bat and was fired straight up into the sky, ready to fall right back into the paws of a waiting grabber.

Still, she could make her twig grabbers efforts worthwhile.

Charging forwards, she had the cedar stick off by the time the cone came down again, right into Haida’s paws.

“I’ve got it, I’ve got it…!” he said, walking back out, paws at the ready. Then, seconds before catching it, his eyes widened as he remembered that it was a _burning_ pinecone.

It his hit paws, before bouncing out as he fumbled with it. “Ahhh! Hang on…!”

It didn’t, and on one of the bounces slipped out, ready to tumble to the floor. Judy’s heart leapt as she made it back to home base, just as the cone tumbled to the ground.

And was intercepted by Nick, who skidded belly first along the floor to grasp it with his paw. “Got you!” he called, before turning it over and snuffing out the burning end.

“Hot Box!” Coach Skip called, “Hopps, off.”

She complied, walking past Nick and Haida as she did so.

“Softball doesn’t have fire,” the hyena was saying, while the fox looked up at her, _that_ look on his face.

“You could say I gave you the slip, fluff,” he said with a wink.

“I’ll be happy to repay the favour,” she said, as she reached the twig runner position.

This time, it was Retsuko’s turn to go up. The little red panda smiled as she grabbed the massive bat, testing the weight.

“You’ll do great,” Haida called, as she looked up at him before focussing herself. Judy shouted words of encouragement too, but wasn’t so sure. While the bunny herself was a small mammal, she’d put in tons of physical practice and was still knocked out early. Retsuko was an ordinary office worker, and…

Judy’s eyes widened as she hit the pinecone hard, sending it flying. The red panda then raced forwards, the action only then reminding Judy that she had something she should be doing as well. Grabbing a twig, she leapt over to the pile area and dropped it down, before going back for more. She was soon growing an ever-larger pile, until ‘Hot-Box’ was called. Pausing, she saw Retsuko still running, albeit straining tiredly, back to her home base. “That’s seven,” she moaned, before collapsing on her knees, holding her side.

“Retsuko?” Haida asked, as the pinecone returned to the court.

“Just a tiny stitch,” she said back, rubbing it a little. Standing up and taking a deep breath, she recovered somewhat, just as coach Skip came over.

“That was an impressive swing. Have you played Whack-Bat before?”

“I was on my school’s softball team,” she said, smiling.

“Hmmm. Minority sport,” he noted. He turned to the others and nodded, as play continued. Retsuko could hit the pinecones well, and would usually make four runs to the cedar stick. However, the more it went on, the more it showed that her stitch was causing her problems, and souring her mood.

“Thanks for _helping,_ yoga,” she grumbled, back on the bat again. Ash had been pitching well, often getting the burning end of the pinecone to hit the bat, helping to snuff it out. Closing his eyes, he breathed in, trying to focus.

“I way less than a slice of bread…”

“Huh?” Retsuko asked.

Ash paused. “It’s a mantra thing, for meditation,” he said, before looking around, a bit self-conscious all of a sudden. “My cousin taught me it.”

“I know the kind of thing,” she said happily. “Let’s do it together.”

“I guess,” he said, shrugging. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in. “I weigh less than a slice of bread.”

Retsuko just narrowed her eyes. “PROTEIN!”

Ash met her gaze and pitched a fast ball, which she hit square on. It sailed far up, and she was running. One run, two runs, three… four… She could stop there, but looking over, it was still well out. Ookami was making a run for it, but hadn’t even reached it yet.

She could make nine and get the three-time multiplier.

She did her sixth run, before stumbling slightly. The stitch was back, but bad. She could push through though. Seven. Then eight.

On her ninth, she made it over to the cedar stick only to stumble, the tearing pain coursing through her side. Pushing through, she barely managed more than a walk back. Almost there, almost…

“I’ve got it!” she heard Haida say, and looking over she saw him catch the pinecone and turn to her. He threw it, and she made one last push before it hit her.

…

“Well, she’s in!” Coach Skip announced to much applause. He looked down though, noting the crumpled up red panda on the ground.

“Retsy!” The Hyena barged past him and knelt down beside her. “Are you okay?”

Crumbled up on the floor, groaning, she had only one thing on her mind.

_DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M OKAY!_

_DO I LOOK LIKE I’M HAPPY!!!!???_

_ANAEROBIC AGONYYYYYYYY!!!!!_

_AGONNNYYYYY!!!!!”_

“Could I go on the bench please…” she whimpered, as he picked her up.

“Your team doesn’t have someone there,” Coach Skip said, only to get a hyena in his face.

“How about she and Fenneko swap? Huh.”

The otter nodded and waved her off. Haida went too, Kylie the Opossum coming on in his place. Things settled down as the fennec vixen grabbed the bat. “I’ve researched and watched numerous videos of this sport, and looked up a variety of techniques,” she said, focussing on Ash. “For instance, I know the techniques you’re using, and the variety of methods to counter it.”

Ash looked at her, spat on the ground, lit the pinecone and hurled it.

Fenneko swung and missed, the pinecone ending up in Jack’s waiting paw.

…

“Fenneko!” Haida shouted from the bench. “I think the word you’re looking for is: Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha….”

Her jaw went slack. “Oh god, this is what it’s like!”

…

Agnes put up a short but spirited battle, Ash giving her a large number of fast paced shots. In the end though, one hit the top of her bat and went up, falling right back down into Jack’s waiting glove. She walked off, and Skye walked on, looking at him.

“Enjoying yourself,” she said, as she got her bat.

“I just sit here and get burning pinecones thrown at me. Get rid of the last part, and it’s my usual day off!”

She gave him a knowing smile, before turning forwards. Her batting game wasn’t that strong, but it held itself up well. In one of the down times, waiting for the cone to get back, the jackrabbit spoke up out of the blue.

“Did you know there are no ‘great’ Whack Bat movies?”

“No,” she said, looking back down before smiling. “You’re thinking through ideas for one, aren’t you?”

“Ahem, Skye,” he corrected, “thinking through the ideas for several!”

Skye managed a few more bats before a long toss from Kris managed to clip her while she was out of her base. Off she went, and on Mrs Fox came, Ash suddenly looking a bit nervous. He turned to his father. “I don’t feel like throwing fire at my mother.”

He nodded, then stepped up. “Then I’ll pitch. It’ll be an example of two prime players playing. A, what’s the word… -visual demonstration! Prepare to be impressed.”

His son nodded and stepped off the plate. Mr Fox got into position, as did his wife, and he lit the first pinecone up. “Remember when I stuffed love notes into the pinecones and batted them your way?” he asked.

Holding and twirling her bat, Mrs Fox looked back, smirking. “I remember a painting a certain Foxy Fox go faster stripes on his pinecones.”

“-And that is still one of the top ten birthday gifts I have ever received,” he said, smirking as he pitched his pinecone. Just like Ash had, he threw it fire first, aiming to snuff it out quickly. Instead, Felicity Fox dropped her bat down and batted up, lifting the cone out and up. She dropped it and ran to the cedar stick, managing seven runs before calling it quits.

“And so it seems she still has it,” her husband commented, before waving to the benches, swapping Kylie out for Haida.

“And so it seems I still have it,” she said, as her husband pitched once more. This time it was a rolling cone, erratic and a bit off target. He was hoping for a high or wide bat right into the grabbers and sort of got that. The pinecone went wide and tall, but it was off to the side, and available for the grabbers to grab. Nick and Haida ran for it, but weren’t going to meet it.

Unless…

“Toss me!”

“Huh?”

“I said toss me ‘Yena!”

Haida leant down, grabbed Nick by the back of his shirt, and hurled him upwards.

“NOT QUITE LIKE THAAAATTTT…..”

Pausing her twig running, Judy froze, looking on as Nick hit the pinecone and then fell to the ground, splatting on all fours.

“Oh crap!” Haida yelled, running over. “Are you…”

He was broken off by a thumbs up before Nick, shaking on his legs, stood up, pinecone in jaw.

He got a round of applause as Mrs Fox admitted defeating.

Finally, it was Kii’s turn, and Mr Fox wanted to make some changes.

“-But I like this position,” Jack protested. “I don’t have to do much.”

“Maybe not before,” Mr Fox pondered, pacing in front of him. “But with me pitching to a much taller _Acinonyx Jubatus_ , you’ll be having to try and intercept pinecones above your head height.”

“I’ll hold my arms up.”

“Or,” Mr Fox propositioned, “you can swap with Ookami, _Chrysocyon Brachyurus,_ and let him go here.”

“But then I’ll have to run a lot.”

“Or,” Mr Fox mused. “Maybe you could just stand at your home base, acting as a critical relay, catching pinecones before throwing them back at the currently home-less player at Whack-Bat.”

…

“The stand thing,” Jack agreed, as he pulled off the protective clothes and swapped with Ookami. The big maned wolf came over and got his safety gear on, focusing as Kii stood in front of him.

Neither spoke much, and it was a long round. Kii’s shots tended to poor, but she more than made up for it in the number of runs she got. At one point, her speed managed to let her get eight to the cross rock, only to call it quits just before the pinecone ended up in Jack’s paws.

Finally, a spinning cone glanced the top of her bat and flew straight into Ookami’s glove. It was over.

Both teams got together, ready to swap, Judy congratulating all of them while checking on Retsuko.

“I think it’ll be fine,” she said, before smiling widely. “And I got the only nine-run round!” The others all clapped at her, and she looked around, beaming. “How much did we score that round anyway?”

Fenneko stepped up to answer her. “Given that Catano got seven sticks; Mrs Fox five; Skye, Agnes and Judy four, and with your multiplier of three, once we divide by nine we get eight.”

Retsuko smiled for a second or two, before it vanished. “Hang on, when I was twig running I was getting over ten…”

“The way you hit the pinecone snuffed it out, ‘Hot-Box’ was called before it even hit the ground,” the fennec vixen carried on explaining.

…

“Retsuko?”

She waved a paw in front of the slightly catatonic red panda, before looking around. “She’s having one of her moments right now.”

Kii nodded. “It must be very frustrating to hear that, given her stitch,” she said. “I wonder what’s she’s thinking right now.

.

_RAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

.

“She’s probably just grumbling to herself,” Agnes suggested, Judy nodding.

Whatever Retsuko was feeling, it was time to get going again. Judy bounced into position, putting on her protective gear and taking up the position of the grabber behind the player at Whack-Bat. To her right were Skye and Agnes, the two vixens stepping up to be her co-grabbers. In front of her was Felicity Fox, the oldest member of the team, and one who’d insisted on being the pitcher. She was the second-tallest, so should be able to get some fast balls going.

The tallest, right at the back, was Kii Catano, their current star player. After all, what better mammal to be a tagger than a cheetah? She’d have to carry her team in that area. Judy had no doubt that Fenneko and Retsuko, the other two taggers, would give it their all. But they were smaller and slower. Even Judy could admit that the fastest land mammal might be pipping herself in that area.

It had been tough to find the right players, and their star one was currently AWOL. Still, they’d do their best and then some!

Meanwhile, it was Ookami up to bat. Mr Fox, Nick, Haida, Kris and Ash were twig running, while Jack was doing the scoring and Kylie sat out.

Mrs Fox looked on, lighting the pinecone in her paw and twirling it around a bit. Focussing in, she pitched it, doing the same fire first throw as before.

Ookami swung back with a massive swing, which sent it flying. Judy looked on in awe as it went up and up and up, unable to see whether it was out or not. Coach Skip must have had the same problem, given that ‘hot-box’ hadn’t been called. Meanwhile, the massive predator did run after run, as did the twig runners. Off in the distance, Kii was there to catch it as it landed, not that it counted as an out (given her being a tagger, and the grabbers unable to get it on that side). Still, no hot box called, and Judy looked on as Ookami raced onto his ninth run. He was still going, getting a tenth and eleventh as hot box was called. A twelfth and thirteenth were then done, as the pinecone made its way back. He’d just finished his fourteenth, two shy of the critical sixteen, when the pinecone was launched back at Retsuko.

He called it quits there, even though he could easily get another run in before the red panda caught the pinecone. He wasn’t going to risk a sixteenth run and getting tagged out.

And so it ended, the boys cheering and the girls looking on, shocked.

“How did you…?” Judy asked.

He shrugged. “I played softball for my university,” he said. “Transitional skills.”

Judy groaned. “Any other softball players on the boy’s team?”

She patently ignored Haida’s eager paws up and focussed on the matter at paw. She’d casually accepted this sport, thinking it would be an even match. However, Nick happened to know plenty of mammals who were good at it or similar ones. Things weren’t looking good.

Fortunately, Coach Skip moved himself to get a better look at the pinecones, and was able to make some earlier hot-box calls. Regardless, the maned wolf’s long bats still let him get higher multipliers going.

Closing her eyes during one of them, Judy focussed. What to do… What would Nick do?

…

Her eyes opened, and she quickly called a team meeting.

Next round, Ookami sized himself up and batted his pinecone. Easily getting nine runs, he checked to see Catano, spotting her still far off. He could do sixteen! He pushed further, getting closer and closer. Leaving on the final one, his eyes focussed on the cheetah again, and he realised something was badly wrong.

She was waiting out there. In fact, she’d taken a weird L-shaped route throughout… Looking to the border between the tagger and grabber areas, he spotted Retsuko and Fenneko far out, the latter tossing something straight over to Skye. They’d pipped him! He raced back over to home, but he was helpless as the pinecone made its way to Judy and then into his chest.

“OUT!”

He slid to his home base, panting. “Well done…” he said. “But I must know, how did you do it?”

Judy smiled. “I knew you’d be focussing on Catano, so this time she grabbed the two others, dropped them off in two locations, then curved to meet the pinecone.”

“And they relayed it back while I thought I was safe,” he said, nodding. “Excellent strategy.”

“Thanks,” Judy said, smiling.”

She watched him go off, as a familiar fox walked in front of her. “I see you take inspiration from the best,” Nick said, winking.

“That hustle had your name written all over it.”

“-Albeit in bunny paw-writing, complete with adorable little ears instead of Y’s,” he clarified. “However, you’re going to have to work a little harder to outfox this fox!”

Judy nodded, before gesturing to Felicity. This wasn’t going to be a round of outfoxing; this was going to be a round of no-mercy. Mrs Fox began letting rip with fast, spinning pinecones, trying to catch Nick off guard. While strong and with excellent paw-eye co-ordination, he was in damage management mode. Still, he got a respectable round until hitting a high cone, which Skye managed to catch.

But things were looking bleak. That was confirmed as Haida stood up, the hyena hitting another long cone. Not as strong as Ookami’s, but she could tell the technique was there. After that, there’d be three mammals who actually played Whack bat!

“What’s the scores,” she called, as Haida pulled in a large one.

Jack stood up. “You girls are on seventy-eight. Us boys are on six hundred and thirty over nine.”

Coach skip looked up, alarmed. “You’re not doing your job. You’re supposed to divide by nine.”

The jackrabbit bristled slightly. “Sir, I am! It’s not my fault you discriminate against fractions.”

Regardless, the coach got up and ordered him and Kylie to swap. The opossum quickly replied that the boys were already on seventy.

Judy gulped. Seventy-two more twig runs were needed, a bare minimum of fifteen per runner. Things were looking hopeless.

“Well,” Haida said, turning back to her. “You played well, well done. But it seems like it was less boy’s vs girls, more professional’s vs amateurs. He turned back and smiled. “Still. I wanna get sixteen runs!”

Judy looked down, she needed a miracle.

…

_Beep-Beep. Beep-Beep._

Her ears rising, she looked over to her phone. “Hang on a minute,” she said, racing over to her bag. She opened it up and smiled as she saw the text. “Felicity, go to Agnes’ grabber position. Agnes, swap with Fenneko. Sorry Fenneko, you’re benched.”

“I don’t mind,” she said, walking off. Judy walked back into her position as Mrs Fox came over. “Judy…”

“Don’t worry,” the bunny said, eagerly rubbing her paws. “Our final member is here!”

As if on cue, there was a static squeal from the speaker systems, as some dramatic music, full of ominous horns, began playing.

Mr Fox looked to his son. “This one of yours.”

“No,” he said.

Haida looked up and shrugged. “Why does this remind me of Thor Ramnarök?”

“Who's that over there?” Retsuko asked as she nodded towards the vacant stands. As war drums began playing, all eyes went towards a bunny currently approaching. Her steps seemed to be perfectly timed with the music, the doe swaying her hips as she approached. 

“Oh no…” Nick said as he recognized the approaching troublemaker. He then glanced over at Judy with a defeated look on his face. “Oh nononono… -You didn’t… Not you-know-who from the 10-7 bar?” 

“Girls,” Judy said with a confident grin as the bunny approached. “Meet our new pitcher…"

"I'm sorry," Nick said, tugging down his ears as he glanced at his team. "I'm so sorry…"

Judy ignored him as the brown bunny sauntered up next to her. "Introducing my friend, Trisha Rose.” 

The brown bunny stopped next to Judy and beamed, her bright blue eyes looking around before falling on Judy. "Not best friend?" She asked, before leaning over to give Judy a surprise peck on the cheek, casting a playful wink at Nick as she did so. “Heard you needed a little help putting the boys back in their place."

"Which boys?" Haida asked, glancing over to Nick, the fox seeming happy enough to let it be.

“Yes,” Trisha said simply with fisted paws on her hips. She gave a playful wink as she then removed her jacket, revealing a modified jersey that left the doe’s mid-drift on display. 

“Damn,” Fenneko said, grabbing out her phone, searching and scrolling through. "The queen of bun pics herself." Haida and Retsuko leant in to see, before their eyes widened.

The brown bunny looked over at her new teammates and grinned, “Oh yes,” She said before glancing turning to Nick. “Well if it isn't my fourth favorite fox.” 

“And my third favorite bartender,” Nick shot back. 

Trisha chuckled as she strolled past Nick, a slight skip in her step. 

“So, you know how to play?” Mr Fox asked as the doe made her way to the pitcher's mound. 

“All I heard was Judy needed someone to lob pinecones as mammals,” Trisha said playfully as she took her position. 

“Well it's a bit more complicated than that,” Haida pointed out. “Especially if someone makes a good hit.” 

“So all I have to do is stop that from happening right?” Trisha asked huskily as she glanced over at Judy. 

“She has bountiful confidence, that's for certain,” Mr Fox said as he took a position. 

“She has bountiful followers, that's for certain,” Fenneko remarked as she snagged a picture of the brown bunny. Her new model seemed more than happy to strike some poses in response.

“Thanks, cutie,” Trisha said. The soundtrack that was blaring out over the speakers, looping on the drums, began getting louder, Trisha's cue to stand up a little straighter. “So, who's first?” 

Haida stepped up to bat. “Oh, that's me. The name's Haida,” he said, getting ready. 

“Nice to meet ya Haida,” Trisha said as she pulled out a creme brulee torch she'd had hooked to her belt. She clicked it on, causing a blue flame to appear, before raising it towards the tip of the pinecone. It was aflame in seconds and she put away her torch, right as the song stopped looping and roared forwards. “You can call me the PINECONE PUNISHER!!!!”

“Wait what-” 

Then the immigrant song by Led Zebralin roared out, Trisha sung along, and all hell broke loose.

“ _AH AHHH AAAAAAHHH -AH!_

_AH AHHH AAAAAAHHH-PINECONE!!!!”_

The normal rules to the game seemed to no longer apply as the burning pine cones flew. With Trisha throwing them, they became burning masses of devastation, launched straight at a helpless hyena. They didn’t so much as burn out on impact with his bat...

They Exploded!

Hot Box kept getting called before a twig runner could so much as run, and Haida seemed to shrink back and weaken with each hit.

Trisha closed her eyes as the song continued, wiggling her body to the beat. As if that wasn't putting on enough of a show, she joined in with the singing. 

" _ON I THROW WITH BURNING CONE’S. MY ONLY GOAL’S THE WHACK BAT OWN!!!!_ ”

Judy kept on guard though, knowing that Trisha could spring back to action in a blink of an eye. 

If she hadn’t of been, she probably would have toppled over with the next throw. The pinecone whizzed through the air, Haida’s arms could hold no more and buckled, and the pinecone went straight into Judy’s waiting glove and onwards, carrying her with it.

After finishing her twelth roll backwards, she recovered, watching as Haida ran off. 

“Was nice meeting you Haida,” Trisha called out, waving at the defeated looking hyena. Despite his trembling, he gave the bunny a weak smile and wave before turning to rub his elbow. Trisha looked back at Judy and grinned. “He seemed nice, I like him!" 

Next up was Ash, the teen fox trembling slightly as Trisha stretched and prepared for the next onslaught. 

“You have good taste,” he said as he lowered himself and prepared for the first pinecone. 

“Aww,” Trisha said as she tilted her head slightly, her ears bobbing as they stood straight up. “Thanks, cutie.” 

Ash blinked a few times at the bunny, cocking his head a little. 

“Still gonna wipe the floor with you.” 

His bat barely caught it, flying back out of his paws and into Judy’s as the pinecone went up. He managed one run before his mother caught his pinecone and snuffed it out on the ground. He was out, but the boys had narrowed the gap.

Up next was Kris, who came on as Trisha ordered some rearrangements of her own, Catano going to a grabber position. With the song still playing, the bunny held up a paw for a second and hopped to the beat, singing along. 

_“I COME FROM THE LAND OF PINES AND CONES. WE GOT CUTE BUNS AND THE REDWOOD GROWS!!!!”_

“I come from Canidea,” he managed to say before his bat met her surprise pinecone. Hot Box was quickly called, the pinecone reduced to rubble, but Kris managed four runs before giving it in, the ruins returning. Catano and the others had a relay going; he wouldn’t have made nine.

Trisha then began rapid-paced assaults, the pinecones disintegrating on his bat. “You look tired? You getting tired?” The bunny teased with a playful wink. 

“My paw is aching a little, but I'm good,” he said confidently. 

Judy shifted her stance a little bit, knowing full well what kind of trouble the young fox had just started. Trisha merely saw that as a challenge, and grabbed the next cone, examining its smooth surface closely as a cunning grin grew on her muzzle. “Really now. Well, then we will just have to mix it up for you.” She lit the end and launched it, blunt end first. It hit right at the edge of Kris’ bat, going wide and out over the grabber's area. Still, he ran, it should go too fast for anyone to catch it.

As he raced back though he realized he was very wrong.

“That’s the kind that only opens after a fire,” Trisha pointed out with a laugh. Due to her fire, the wind speed, but his hit most of all, the sleek pinecone had opened up, and was now slowing down much more rapidly. Just enough for Catano to intercept it.

He was out, but it was on a knife’s edge. The boys didn’t need much more to win, and next up was their star player.

Mr Fox stepped up to the plate, his eyes narrowing as he stared into those of Trisha Rose.

“Mr Fox right?” the bunny asked as she looked right into the vulpine’s eyes. 

“Ms Rose,” Mr. Fox said, his lips curling into a grin. 

Trisha groaned and slumped her shoulders as she looked up to the sky. “Uggggh, don’t call me that.” 

“Then what do I call you?” 

“How about Trisha, the bun who kicked your tail?” 

“Living in a fantasy world I see,” Mr Fox said with a shrug, twirling his bat a little. 

“Okay, so you are now on the list of favorite foxes,” Trisha chuckled. “Nick you're now number five!” 

Nick rolled his eyes and grumbled something along the lines of “blue-eyed trouble maker.” 

Judy smirked and shook her head at her friend’s antics. 

“Better nickname: Whack bat champion! First time playing and already kicking tail!”

There was a slight coughing as Kris put his paw up. “From experience, that is a possibility.”

“Thank you,” she said, setting the next cone, setting it aflame and clutching it like an evil villain holding a MacGuffin of doom. “MUHAHAHAHA!!!!”

She pitched it, the pinecone seeming to turn into a straight up meteor as it collided with Mr Fox’s bat, pulverizing into dust.

“And again!” she called, as Mr Fox stepped back, barely giving it the lightest tap.

Mini fragments still flew out in a cloud of debris. Mr Fox looked on, concerned. “Hang on, wait a second, I wonder…”

He didn’t have long, as the third sailed his way. This time, he pulled his bat back as the pinecone hit it, and got bits of shrapnel in his fur for all his effort.

He turned back to Trisha, confused. “What even is the strategy here? You’re just exploding them!”

“Explosions are cool!” Trisha shouted 

“I think they're overrated,” Ash called from his position. 

Regardless, another flew Mr Fox's way. He just planted his bat in the ground and leaned on it as the cone collided and exploded.

After about the tenth repeat, and Mr Fox’s third yawn, Judy edge out from behind him. “I don’t think attrition is working.”

“Right then,” Trisha said, looking down and tapping her foot. “Let's mix things up then.” 

“Lets!” Mr Fox replied, as she spun her arms up.

"POWER!!!!" She let loose a roaring rocket of a pinecone. It was like a missile, ablaze as it cut through the air and met the brutal return swing of Mr Fox’s bat.

BANG……

.

.

…

.

Slowly, everyone uncoiled from the shockwave, blinking their eyes as the devastation became clear.

Mr Fox was left holding a handle.

“Just to let you know,” Coach Skip said, as he pointed up. All eyes looked up, and they saw a burning glint in the sky.

Mr Fox charged, as did his twig runners, ferrying sticks and knocking off cedar posts, and doing their best in their one opportunity to grab victory. Oddly enough, Trisha looked somewhat relieved as Mr Fox darted past. The bunny glanced over at Judy and let out a sigh. “Was worried I overdid it and, like, his shirt was going to be sitting on top of a pile of ash or something.” 

Judy snorted, rolling her head before her ears jumped up at the call of hot box.

“If Foxy gets nine runs, they’ve won this!” came a call from Kylie, and now it was game on. Kii was doing her best, charging closer and closer before chucking the item in her paws over to Felicity. Mr Fox was charging right at her, knocking the cedar stick for the ninth time before turning back, ducking down to avoid the mass of wood chucked at him.

Trisha looked on in shock. “That’s no pinecone!” she yelped, as the fragment of Mr. Fox’s bat sailed through her ears and right up into Judy’s gloved pawed. It carried her backward, before she dug her claws in and pushed forwards. Mr Fox was right next to home base, and she threw the bat piece, clipping his tail right as he slid onto it.

“AND HE’S IN!” Nick yelled.

“Does it count?” Kii asked.

“Hey, Trisha was it?” Retsuko asked, nervously approaching. “I was wondering about sharing playlists…”

“I was wondering about a strategic social media alliance,” Fenneko said as she approached the bunny, the doe's ears going up in intrigue.

Coach Skip came over and opened his rule book. “Well, it says that it’s the umpire’s judgment that counts, and I presumed that that was a pinecone. It’s the spirit of hot box that matters, though as for the runs…

Everyone held their breath.

“Ah, subsection C, part A… In case of exploding bat… Seek immediate treatment by vet, ideally _Chiroptera_ specialist…”

…

“I think there was a slight homophone issue there,” he reported, skipping around a bit. “I don’t seem to have anything.”

…

“What, there’s literally nothing.”

Everyone looked to each other nervously. “Couldn’t we keep playing?” Trisha asked, running up to the front.

“No bat,” Mr Fox said.

“No pinecones,” Kris added from the back, as everyone saw the depleted stockpile.

“Don’t say that!” Nick snapped, waving his paws before a pinecone landed right on top of his head. The fox’s ears went down and his eyelids drooped.

“10 points!” Trisha whooped as she hopped up and down. 

“Where did that pinecone come from?” Haida asked looking around in confusion. Nick looked back with his paws in the air, shrugging.

“Maybe there’d be another way of settling this?” Ash asked, looking around.

Nick nodded. “Yeah, maybe…” He reached up and plucked the pinecone from his fur, throwing it in the opposite direction to Trisha. She just put on an innocent look, one that didn’t fool the fox for a second. 

They were all silent for a few seconds, before Trish began to do a little dance and grabbed Judy by the paw, twirling the doe around until she was in front of the brown bunny. “Dance competition?” shr asked as she put her paws around Judy's waist, swaying back and forth. Judy chuckled, before joining in with her friends antics. 

“Karaoke?” Fenneko suggested before nudging her red panda friend. Retsuko stared back, looking embarrassed at first, before her eyes narrowed confidently.

“Ice cream Karaoke dance party competition,” Trisha suggested, garnering looks of confusion from all those who hadn't built up an exposure based tolerance of her.. “Or maybe just ice cream eating race?” 

All eyes turned to each other.

“I can do that,” Judy announced.

Nick smiled. “I don’t say no to an excuse to eat too much blueberry ice cream.”

“Yum!” Jack said.

“I can get excited about that,” Skye chirped in, as everyone else chimed up.

“Do sorbet’s count?” went Ash.

“Fortunately I know methods of meditating out of brain freeze,” stated Kris.

“Could you share that?” Agnes asked.

“This’ll give the kits brain a sugar rush,” Mrs Fox worried, “but okay.”

“Honey,” Mr Fox reassured, “how about we eat enough to put them in a food coma.”

“Do they have mochi ice cream?” Retsuko asked.

“You like mochi too, so do I" Haida chimed in.

“As long as I can collect all the pictures for my Instagram and show off against Tsunoda, count me in.” Fenneko agreed.

“I prefer plain green tea,” said Ookami.

“My figure will hate me, but okay,” said a reluctant Kii.

“I have a 50% loyalty discount at a nearby place,” Kylie chimed up.

For once in her life, Trisha just remained silent. Fool them once, shame on her. Fool them twice, ICECREAM!!!!!!!!!!

.

.

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**AN: Many kudos for Bluelighthouse for letting me use his OC, Trisha Rose, and helping me get her character down (mainly knowing her younger self from Manta Bay, my first draft had her acting more like she was eight (more or less terrifying, feel free to say.)) As I said before, feel free to check out all his fun fics.**

**In any case, while Trisha may not be canon in the main series (yet) (?), here’s who are. It’s the cast list so far.**

**.**

**.**

* * *

**.**

**.**

**Cast list (at the end of S1E4 (Aggretopia)):**

**.**

**.**

**ZPD mammals.**

**Nick Wilde: the reformed ex-hustler turned cop, partner of Judy Hopps. Saved Ash Fix in ‘Different’, and was a family friend ever since.**

**Judy Hopps: Zootopia’s own bunny cop. Partner of Nick Wilde.**

**Kii Catano: A female cheetah officer, who’s getting to know Judy. Tends to assist detectives Dave and Basil.**

**Detectives Dave and Basil Dawson: Husband and husband, the two mice are the ZPD’s newest detectives, onboard with everyone else to look into the nighthowler theft from ‘Flora and Fauna’.**

**Chief Bogo: Da chief.**

**.**

**Fox/Silverfox family and co.**

**Mr Fox (Frederick ‘Foxy’ Fox): Ex-ranger, current newspaper writer and pest controller, father to Ash Fox.**

**Mrs Fox (Felicity Fox): Wife of mr Fox, mother of Ash Fox.**

**Ash Fox: the angsty teenage son of Mr and Mrs Fox. Trying to embrace life after a very dark moment, despite coming off as a bit ‘different’ at times. Slightly older (but much shorter) cousin to Kris.**

**Dr William Silverfox: Mrs Fox’s brother in law, husband to her (deceased) sister, and father of Kristofferson Silverfox. Emigrated to Zootopia from Canidea after recovering from a serious case of double pneumonia, caused by an ice fishing accident.**

**Kristofferson Silverfox: Son of Dr Silverfox. Sent to live with his Aunt and Uncle due to his father’s illness. A very well adjusted, mature and gifted mammal, though due to the accident he has a slight phobia of the cold. Slightly younger (but much taller) cousin to Ash.**

**Kylie: Opossum sidekick to Mr Fox.**

**Remmy and Remus packson (wolves); Mitch Dewclaw (wildcat); Maisy Calrama (ewe); Jenny Bourke (wombat): School friends of Kris and Ash.**

**Agnes: Vixen classmate of Kris and Ash, previously Ash’s girlfriend, now Kris’.**

**Beavis Chuckman: Woodchuck bully to Ash (and to a lesser extent others).**

**Brittany Voxen: Vixen form prefect to Ash, Kris and those above.**

**Coach Skip: Albino otter coach at their school.**

**.**

**Aggretsuko crew:**

**Retsuko: A red panda office worker who blows off steam by singing death metal.**

**Haida: A dentally challenged spotted hyena, works with and loves Retsuko.**

**Fenneko: Social media goddess fennec vixen friend of the above. Distinctive laugh.**

**Anai: Japanese badger graduate at their firm, and cooking enthusiast. (Do not piss off).**

**Ookami: A maned wolf worker, who also assisted Nick Wilde in an undercover operation (with Nick pretending to be a young maned wolf).**

**Kabae, Tsunoda: (hippo, Dik-Dik (dwarf gazelle)): Two gossip mouthed workers at Retsuko’s firm.**

**Director Ton: the overbearing literal misogynistic pig boss of the accounting department.**

**.**

**Moon’s theatre:**

**Jack Savage: Tehuantepec jackrabbit writer and director, previously knew Judy in a university drama society. Bar his acting, a notoriously lazy mammal.**

**Skye Autumn: Swift fox vixen, a mechanic who previously knew (and didn’t get along well) with Nick Wilde. Hired to help fix a broken set.**

**Buster Moon: The koala owner of the theatre. He means well.**

**Eddie (sheep): Buster Moon’s friend and financier.**

**.**

**Other:**

**Dr Amy Lupuleli: Binturong psychiatrist to both Ash Fox and Nick Wilde.**

**Duke Weaselton: small time petty criminal, previously (unknowingly) involved in the first nighthowler crisis. Had an unfortunate run in with a pair of big cats, before being arrested by Nick and Judy.**

  



	3. Halloween special 2019

**Halloween special.**

**.**

**AN: a short (and low effort, so the quality is lower here, it's the literary equivalent of a s**tpost), dumb, halloween thing I thought I'd plop out in a couple of hours or so. Enjoy.**

.

.

"Oooh oooh oooooohhhh,  _ try everything…" _

ZPD officer and chief dispatcher Benjamin Clawhauser sung to himself as he grooved down the corridors in the records area. Though not the best record keeper, and a hater of the role, he had a decent proficiency at it. Thus, when the main bookkeeper was gone, it fell to him to track things down.

Just slip a few books over here, jiggle past that storage cupboard there, and carry on down.

Not noticing the odd book float from one shelf to the other behind him.

" _ Try everything…" _

One of the books must have heard him, doing a flip behind him as it flew. Still, it slid right back into its place, only just caught out of the corner of the cheetah's eye.

"Hmmm," he hummed, shaking his head and moving on. "Ooooh oooh oooooooo….?"

His fur slowly rose up in fear and, taking his headphones out, he listened, gulping as he heard the fluttering of paper behind him. Channeling his inner speed demon, he turned his head, catching multiple books in the gravity defying act.

They all turned to face him, before floating into a circle. Different ones began nodding at different times to each other.

"Uhhh… Hey, books?"

They all turned to face him, before turning back to each other, nodding and convening. Then, with one unified nod, they slowly turned to face the cheetah and began advancing.

"Oh… Oh, I see where this is going," he said, shivering as he began retreating from them. The books increased their speed, Clawhauser's ears folding down. "Not again!!!!"

He zipped off, panting as he ran and cutting left and right as his literary pursuers took after him.

"Ghooost booookss!!!!" 

He shot towards the lift, only to be cut off by a blast of water from the sprinklers. "Naawwww!!! Not the spray!" He shook it off and pushed fowards to the lift, only for his dousing to get worse. "Okay, got it, stairs it is!" 

Up he went, the books chasing him. Up and around, he turned a corner, only to shriek in horror as he was hit by a flash of blue light. "Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!"

.

.

.

_ NAHHHH NAAAAAHHHHH NAHHHH NAHHHH NAAAAHHHHHH NAAAAAAAHHHH NAAAAAAAA….. _

_ DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DUUU… _

_ -DU DU DUDDA DU DUUHHH DU, -DU DU DUDDA DU DUUHHH DU, -DU DU DUDDA DU DUUHHH DU... _

ZOOBUSTERS!!!! 

_ DUDDA DUDDA DUH DUH DU _ !

.

.

.

Lights and sirens ablazing, a decked out old ambulance, its sides covered by ghostly artwork, pulled up next to Precinct One. Doors slamming open, four mammals stepped out, marching together up the steps. Proton packs on, weapons out and armed, they entered the main lobby, their leader stepping forwards.

"We're here to bust ghost, feel good, and make the world a better place," Judy Hopps announced.

All eyes turned on her, including those of the Chief. "Don't care."

Her eyes went wide. "Bu… but?"

"Hey, don't knock him," her long time assistant, Jack Savage, pointed out. "He lets us go, we go home early. Win-win…"

"But then we don't get to make the world a better place."

"Also, we don't get paid," the 'you pay me and I'll believe it' cynic of the group, Nick Wilde, pointed out.

"Which wouldn't be an issue, if you'd let me test my ghost power theory," her scientist and engineer, Skye, grumbled.

"Skye, for the last time, we are not turning the dead into electricity!"

"In any case," Bogo boomed, "you'd have to have a dead mammal for that to work, which we don't have here."

Judy blinked, looking at him. "Then what do we have?"

The Chief huffed. "My last ditch tactic to get Clawhauser to lose weight. Scare-fitness using the powers of a noted psychic and his astral projection."

.

.

"Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!" Clawhauser screamed, as he flinched back, cowerering as the ghostly kangaroo floated towards him.

"PROTEIN!!!!!!"

"Bwwwaaaaa…." he screamed, his legs a spinning frenzy beneath them as they tried to get a grip, finally propelling him far away from the terrifying fitness spirit.

.

.

.

"Well, that was a bust" Judy grumbled as they pulled back up at their base of operations, the semi-converted Wild Times theme park. 

"No," Nick snarked, "that'll come at the end of the month unless we get another job."

Judy nodded sullenly, looking over to her receptionist. "Any news?"

There was a ruffle of papers before Finnick looked back at her. "We ain't got Scat!!!"

.

.

_ Meanwhile _

.

.

"Tea, tea, tea," Retsuko mumbled as she walked towards the office break room.

"Oh, hey Retsy," came a call from her side, and she turned to see her colleague Haida waving at her. "You know, we're organising a charity bake sale next week. Feel like coming?"

"Sure," she chirped.

"-Oh great, it's actually a very nice charity. I looked up the history of it, and you're walking away right now so I guess you're busy so see you then…"

She smiled as she carried on walking into the breakroom, only for a frown to grow as she saw the mess that had been left out. "Better tidy this away," she said, as she began picking things up. As she dropped them in the bin though, she froze, an odd popping and fizzing coming out from behind her. Slowly turning, she felt herself shiver as she saw some eggs frying on the table. "W-w-where did those come from," she cowered, before a deep rumbling took her attention. Whimpering, her legs trembling, she walked towards the smoking and steaming fridge, placing her paw on the door and opening it.

She was speechless with terror as she saw the burning void within, before screaming as a voice rang out. "SENPAI!!!!!"

She turned and ran, never looking back. When she calmed down though, she knew  _ exactly  _ who to call.

.

.

"So, miss," Judy began, as she looked over the place. 

"-Just call me Retsuko," she mumbled, leaning out from behind of her. Her gear out, the bunny scanned and monitored everything, paying close attention to the eggs in particular. 

"Hmmm, nothing seems out of the ordinary. However sometimes paranormal energy can randomly spike in certain areas, similar to a tornado dropping down. You may have just got unlucky."

"Oh, thanks," the red panda sighed with relief. "You know, this was all very simple and without any drama or creepy sexual tension. I like this service!"

"You're welcome," Judy replied, smiling. It was broken off though as a hulking pig marched into the room.

"What are you here for? -No, let me guess, feeding part-timers crazy delusions. Tchhh, women."

Judy glowered at him and opened her mouth, Retsuko covering her eyes as she realised she'd spoken far too soon.

.

.

.

"So," Nick muttered, "how much longer can we operate for with this petty cash?"

"Nick, don't be so cynical. Skye, put that calculator away."

She did so, before picking up her takeaways fortune cookie. "Did we tip the delivery boy?"

"Of course we did."

Skye turned to Nick. "Now that I have all the information I need, I can answer your question to the nearest microsecond. Zero."

Judy glowered at them, but whatever she was about to say was cut off as the bell above them rung. All turned to face Finnick, who'd darted around a corner. "HEY! WE GOT ONE BOYO'S!!!"

.

.

.

.

"I do not remember when we didn't have a problem," the elephant said.

"Right…" Judy groaned, shielding her eyes. "What do you know about this ghost."

"I do not recall a ghost," the nude yoga instructor stated, before going back to her exercises. The ghostbusters looked at each other and shrugged, before splitting up to search the haunted Mystic Springs Oasis.

Judy and Skye crept around the changing rooms, the bunny pondering as she went. "Could this be the same one we almost got at Banyan street station?"

"Potentially," Skye noted, as they crept along.

"Urghhh. If it is, it's your fault for not letting me take that old train and chase him down."

"I hypothesised that might result in fiery vehicular destruction," her foxy companion noted. 

"Or maybe it wouldn't have."

"On the other paw it might have, and the intense heat would cause the pack core to implode with a force equivalent to a few gigatonnes of TNT."

…

"You're telling me that they can do that now!?"

"What? You never asked before."

Judy grumbled. "Skye, when we make it big I'll be enrolling you in socialization classes."

A look of pure terror grew on her face but, before any comment could be made, their radios chirped. Judy pulled hers up, and listened in to Jack and Nick on the other end.

"We've spotted him," the hare said.

"He's a hairy one for sure," Nick added. "Pew, I can smell him from here too, and he's got a crowd of flies arou… Oh. Oh nononono….."

"ARGHHHH!!!!"

"AHHHHH!!!!"

The girls put down their radios and raced off, finally finding their two fellow busters on the floor. Nick was scratching himself furiously. "I can  _ feel _ the wiggling!" He moaned. "Furs overrated, it's stupid, can I jump into a vat of hair remover when we get home?"

Jack shrugged. "This is fine."

.

.

A little while later, they successfully cornered the floating yak-fly ghost in the meditation room.

"Okay, Mr Ghost," Judy said, stepping forwards. "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way."

It paused, turning to face them. "Oh I know you, you're the ghostbusters. I think I'll go for the easy way, thanks."

…

All busters turned to each other, Judy smiling first and foremost. "One of them actually chose the rehabilitation program!"

She jiggled up and down, before all four led the Yax ghost out, past their customer. "Here's your ghost."

"I did not recall having a ghost," she replied, not paying them any attention.

She did pay them though and, one action packed montage and introduction of Bellwether as a power seeking local government official later, Retsuko was back in the office break room during a thunderstorm.

Setting her stuff down, she relaxed into a chair, only for her eyes to open. She turned to face the fridge, an evil glow escaping from it before the door burst open, sucking her in. "SENPAI!!!!"

"AAAAHHHHH!!!"

Meanwhile, in the lunchroom, mammals were mingling about, selling baked goods. Haida smiled as he passed them, before slipping into the toilets.

"AHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL!"

Everyone turned and watched him flee, a  _ thing _ racing after him. They then walked over to the windows, watching him race off into the park, the  _ thing  _ in hot pursuit.

.

.

"Yo, Boyo's, the cops dropped off a wacked out Yeena earlier."

All eyes turned to Finnick, before looking up to the spaced out hyena next to him. "Are you Senpai?" He mumbled. "I'm 'commitment to respectable communication requests.' Where is Senpai?"

Everyone turned to each other and nodded. It was going to be one of those days.

.

.

.

"THERE IS NO RETSUKO, ONLY SENPAI!"

"Anything else?" Judy asked. 

The red panda simmered, floating off the ground as flames began flickering off her. Summoning a microphone, she bent in and feath metal screamed out. "THERE IS NO RETSUKO, ONLY SENPAAAIIII… ONLY SENPAAAIII…."

.

.

.

"Right," Judy noted, returning to Wild Times. "As long as there's no further interruptions, all should be good…"

She trailed off as a bunch of cop cars turned up, an angry Dawn Bellwether jumping out. "By the authority invested in me as chief jerkass by the city council, I am ignoring all advice and shutting you down."

An angry Skye marched out to meet her. "Shut down equals boom."

"I don't care. Shut her down!"

.

.

…

BOOOMMMM!!!!

.

.

A short time later, in which Dawn had managed to arrest all the ghostbusters, Haida stumbled out and into the breakroom.

Which then exploded.

Regardless, he took Retsuko's paw. "Are you Senpai? I'm commitment to respectable communication requests."

She walked up to him and nuzzled him in a very spicy fashion. "I am Senpai. And you are commitment to respectable communication requests."

They held each other tight, before turning to the newly appeared steps of convenience.

.

.

Meanwhile at city hall, the ghostbusters plead their case, realising that Retsuko's workplace was haunted by a restless spirit without closure. After the mayor overruled Bellwether, realising that she was a total jerkass, the four mammals raced off to the tower, arriving just as the ground in front of it cracked and buckled.

Nick smirked, wiggling his eyebrows up and down at the innuendo, Judy then punching him in response.

.

One long climb later, and they peered out onto the roof, gasping as they saw Haida and Retsuko writing out their written responses. In front of them, hovering in a ghostly aura, stood the recently deceased japanese badger Anai.

"See! All you had to do was write the responses, it's not that hard!"

They both nodded, handing over their papers, before Anai clapped his paws and released them from their spell.

"Hu!!!"

"Waaat!?"

They looked around confused, before the ghostbusters came to pull them back. Nick turned to look at the badger ghost, a stern look on his muzzle. "Okay Mr Overkill, if you accept your closure now and tidy everything up, we can draw a nice line beneath this? That sound good?"

"What if I refuse?"

"Well, it means you're a very well adjusted mammal for a start."

The other busters nodded in unison.

"Also, we stick you in our ghost trap."

.

…

"I'll go away if I get a written apology for your distressing criticism of my adjustment level."

Judy and Skye's jaws hit the floor, but Nick sidestepped in front of them. "We have a deal!"

.

.

.

One day later, all were relaxing when the ground began shaking. "Okay," Judy grumbled, sitting up. "Who  _ didn't  _ write their apology!"

All eyes turned to Jack. "Oh. I forgot. Sorry."

"Which is why I did his for him," Skye said.

There was a pause as they all turned to each other. "You know," Nick said, "I thought I saw Smellwether slip up the tower after we left…"

A collection of paws connected with faces as Judy opened up her phone. "The news is reporting that a 100-foot Haida plush has currently abducted Dawn Bellwether and climbed to the top of the Zootopia State Building. Biplanes are on cliche enforcement duty."

Skye looked over and nodded. "I can think of two courses of action. One, we go in full lasers blazing and try and defeat it."

"And two?" Judy asked.

"As this is Bellwether we're talking about, we invite Haida and Retsuko over and get takeout."

.

.

…

"Number two."

"The second one."

"Takeout."

"What she said."

  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

.

.

**AN: Welcome back readers. For those of you who follow my work, you know I do a set of Christmas oneshots every year, each based off of a popular Christmas song. One of lasts years was based off of ‘Baby it’s cold outside,’ which I made into an honorary FFoZ story. This one is one too! So, sit back and enjoy.**

.

.

The snow was falling in Zootopia. Not just in Tundratown, but in Savannah Central and the outlying areas too. A naysayer might say that the only reason it was snowing in these areas was because of the great chilling effect of the refrigerant systems, especially when it combined with the moist air from the ever hot and humid rainforest district. A wordsmith, or as some would put it a word dumper, like Mr Fox would ramble on about whether that really mattered or not, especially given that records did show that this city had, in the past, got notable snowfalls. He’d then meander on to talks about how the whole white Christmas thing might just be the endless pursuit of childhood innocence, bringing in a story or two about how his Foxy Grandfather set up a bauble import business from Canidea, using the hollow spheres as a method of importing bootleg alcohol during prohibition for good measure. Oh, it was the yuletide season, alright, and everyone in his house knew it.

Driving his motorbike along the road, he passed all sorts of decorations being set up, each one slightly evaluated in his mind as he tried to work out how he could set up something both brighter, flashier and less tasteless. An interesting conundrum for sure; one who’s grip on his mind was briefly broken as he saw a cop car passing the other way, two very familiar faces at its front. He nodded his head and raised his paw in salute, one that the occupants responded in kind to.

“Well, he’s looking busy,” Nick said, glancing as he saw his foxy friend drive off into the distance.

“Last minute present shopping?” Judy asked, as she glanced around. The lights were going on, holly wreaths were on doors and everything had a magical little sparkle.

“Nah, I think he’s the kind of mammal who has everything set up.”

“Reminds me of a fellow fox,” Judy teased, looking over at Nick. “One who once forget about a little thing called tax.”

“Ouch, you wound me fluff,” he said, leaning forward. Opening the glove compartment, he pulled out a pair of candy canes. “Now I was planning to give one of these to a cruel bunny, but I feel so hurt I’m going to have to have both of them.”

Judy rolled her eyes. Oh, standard Nick, always the same no matter what the season was. Not that she would ever change it.

On they drove, past more and more flashing and colourful lights, the bunny feeling a little kit-like wonder at what was being shown. Savannah Central was nice, but then you got to Tundratown, which looked even more like a winter wonderland than it usually was. Then there was Sahara Square, which looked like a Moroccan souk and smelled like it too, rich spices both familiar and unfamiliar to the festive season wafting past. It was warm and vibrant, Nick putting down the window as they went through it. Coming out of the district they passed a familiar looking theatre, Nick wondering what was going on inside. Little did he know that a certain jackrabbit briefly glanced at him from inside, in between banging his head on a window.

“Now don’t worry Jack,” his boss, a certain koala by the name of Buster Moon, reassured him. “This is going to be brilliant. After all, everyone loves the nativity!”

“So why are you ruining it?” Jack groaned, glaring back at him.

“Oh, I’m not ruining it,” the koala said, turning back to his task at paw, namely christmasing up the collection of knick-knacks and oddities in his lobby. He gave a long look at a poster for a ninety’s sitcom, wondering about the potential for a Christmas special, before glancing back at Jack. “I mean, we all know the story, and everyone has fond memories of putting on nativity plays. So why not a play about putting on a nativity play?”

“Multiple films of that exist,” Jack pointed out, “all of them are terrible and the producers remain dangerous and at large.”

“So, we’ll make it better!”

“We won’t because you’ve already written the script.”

“Well, got to make it as fluffy as can be,” Buster continued, as he moved on to the largest item in his collection, an avian styled ‘sarcophagus’ of dubious historic origin. He called it Sylvester, and was busy leaning a giant crooked candy cane up on one side, putting a Christmas cap on top and working out how he might affix a red nose. “So, I did it myself. It has the Buster Moon seal of approval.”

Jack groaned before mumbling under his breath. “The literary equivalent of a mug shot.”

“Oh, pardon?”

“Let me explain this in the requisite number of syllables that you will understand,” Jack lectured, standing up straight, a lecturing finger pulled up in front of him. “Poo and wee jokes not fun. No laugh at all!”

“Oh come on, I know you like a little fart joke here and there.”

“Ahem,” Jack scolded, his aloofness now going all the way up to eleven. “Flatulence humour has a long and historic tradition, even being employed by the great bard himself! Blow wind and crack your cheeks, amongst the greatest innuendos put upon page. That is completely different to asking a group of pre-schoolers if they have all done a poo and a wee.”

“Well, might not tickle you, but it’s not as if it’s the main joke.”

“It’s the one on the poster,” Jack pointed out, glancing disdainfully at the mock up. There, under the title and subtitle, was a bear teacher asking a bunch of teeny kits that very question. “May I ask who would find that funny, who would see such a tagline and decide to view this play?”

There was a sigh, as Buster walked over to Jack and then began petting him, much to the hare’s nose-twitch inducing surprise. “Oh Jack, jack, Jack… Sometimes I worry about you.”

“I used to about you,” he deadpanned back.

“You’ve got to let some Christmas spirit in you. Be happy! Enjoy the season! Let out your inner child.”

“To quote four weddings and a funeral at irregular intervals: I do, I do, I do, I do. To add my own quote: I, and other mammals, have minimum standards.”

“Oh, loosen up Jack,” Buster sighed. “Just enjoy the season.”

“Thankfully you took so long writing that thing the season is almost over.”

“Well, I just had to redo your one, way too scary.”

“In what world is a pantomime version of A Christmas Carol scary?”

“Well,” Buster tried to sum up, “it has ghosts, and I don’t know about you but that gives me the jeebies!”

Jack groaned, going back and trying to talk some sense into the koala (and trying not to descend into a string of Spanish swear words), while Buster just tried to be a ray of fluffy sunshine for everyone. Neither noticed a pair of onlookers at the door.

Skye the swift fox looked up at Eddy the sheep while Eddy the sheep looked down at Skye the swift fox. “Yeah,” he groaned, “I think I’m going to sit this one out.”

Skye nodded. “Yeah, me to.” Looking from the outside, this seemed to be a thing in between the two of them, something that she felt uncomfortable interrupting. In any case, she still had some shopping to do. She left the theatre and walked into the markets, hoping to find things to give. Her stroll around lasted an hour, with little progress made by the end. She guessed that she could get her mother and sister some fur care stuff, both enjoying looking good, the latter taking her outward presentation indescribably seriously. In addition, one meerkat was literally selling frankincense and myrrh, which could be good for her incense loving mother. As for her father, hmmm…

She sat down, trying to think, only for someone to speak up to her. “Trying to figure out what present to get?” She turned down to see a fennec vixen sitting there, wrapped up and with her phone out.

“Yup,” she said, nodding a little. “You know what it’s like.”

“Actually, no. With my research I can do a reasonable judgement on what is the ideal present for my friends. I can help you if you want.”

“Uhhhh…”

“Who’s it for?”

“I don’t think I’m going to tell you,” Skye said, edging away a little bit.

The fennec vixen ignored her. “Given the relaxed look you gave to several fur care stalls, it’s presumably safe to say that you have a strong grasp on what female members of your family want. This leaves male members and, given your look at some of the antique stands, I’m guessing it’s a father of grandfather. Regardless, it doesn’t take much more to work out that they might be interested in mechanics. After all, the small grease stains on your fur, black from motor grease rather than a brown from cooking grease, suggest that you’re in such a trade, which is most likely gathered from such a role model. Having looked through social media Miss Skye Autumn, I can see that that’s correct. I also see that your father’s few posts often involve outdoor cooking or DIY. Therefore, may I suggest a DIY pizza oven or roasting spit set, the latter is sold three stalls down to the right.”

…

The fennec vixen looked up, noticing that she was sitting alone. Off in the distance, the other vixen was walking briskly away, giving a nervous glance back over her shoulder as she went.

“Your loss then,” she summarised, before opening up the pages on her phone. Two very important mammals and one very important question.

Get them both individual ideal gifts? Or give them something designed to get them even closer together.

“I think we all know the answer to that one,” she said, before getting to work. She gave one last look at them on her phone, spotting that one of those friends had taken a selfie at the place of residence of the other.

Over in Savannah Central, the red panda Retsuko helped her hyena boyfriend Haida in decorating his place. Proportionally to him, his place wasn’t much bigger than her place was to her. However, given that he was multiple times taller, wider and heavier, it was for the best that she come to him. “This is a nice lot of stuff,” she said, looking at his little tub of decorations.

“Heh, well I took part in a dorm decoration competition at university. Had these left over since then. I know it’s not much, but it’ll do.”

“Yeah,” she said, “I don’t mind.”

He nodded, going over to put up his plastic tree, while she opened and looked at the lights. The utterly tangled knot of lights…

Her paw shook a little but she closed her eyes and shook it off. This was part of the fun, right? They had Christmas songs playing, she’d just test them first and…

-They were off.

“Okay,” she told herself, bringing them out and slowly prising the bulbs from their housing. It was a very old set of lights, with just one spare, and she swapped the first light out, tested the set and found it still broken, switched the next light in order, tested and found it broken, before carrying on and on…

.

.

.

…

Retsuko’s apartment was in the rainforest district and, on its edges, a modern block of apartments stood. Inside, two silverfoxes practiced meditation together. They relaxed, breathed in and out, and let time slip by. It was relaxing, it was focussing, it kept them calm and level, free of all the stresses and chaos of outside life.

Not everything from there was cut off though.

Through it all, they felt a festive cheer, alongside a deep sense of happiness. Whatever present they might get this year, one that would always stay on top was the simple fact that they were together again.

.

.

“Come on,” Retsuko groaned, as she pushed the next light in. “Come on, plea…”

She cut herself off, smiling with glee as glints of colour were shined in her face. “I did it!”

“Yeah, well done,” Haida chirped, having finally finished with the tree. He turned around, only to freeze as his tail bashed right into it. “Arghhhh….”

It fell down, Haida’s attempt to stop it only tearing out one of the branches. It collapsed onto the floor, bending and rustling as it lay there, fallen.

…

“Heh, oops,” he said, pulling it upright again and reattaching the removed branches. “Bet that had you worried.”

“No,” Retsuko admitted. “Just a bit relieved, a bit frustrated.”

“Uh-hu,” he said, glancing down at the lights. “How many did you have to test?”

Her brow furrowed. “It was the third to last one.”

“Oh.”

“Well, anyway, that’s done! Now, all we need to do is… un… tangle… them…” Her tone dropped as she looked on at the seemingly even gordianer knot of a mess. Haida though smiled, walked down next to her and took them up in his paws. “Let’s do this together.”

“Yeah, why not,” Retsuko said, as an old timey Christmas carol started playing.

Far off in Zootopia, a choir was singing that exact same song at the exact same time. Its smallest member, adjusting her glasses, sung out ‘The First Noel’ as best she could. After all, this wasn’t just for fun!

She was in the chorus, the Noel’s ascending up, when a voice, recent to those she knew but now all too familiar beckoned out. “Stop the singing, stop it now!”

She froze, looking up to see a certain sow looking down upon them, her mouth now shut tight. The others followed suit, looking up in a quiet mix of worry and fear as she and a wolf walked down a set of steps to their level. Looking to her right, the littlest singer began sidestepping over to a nearby radiator, only to be cut off by the sow.

“Stay where you are, Bellwether.”

Dawn Bellwether and the rest of the C block inmate choir looked up at prisoner officer Swinton as she stepped about, a very dissatisfied looked on her snout. As if to make it worse, Dawn hadn’t been able to give a few little raps on the radiator and, without the signal to stop, the background noise of a certain mole prisoner’s tunnelling was sounding out, not a single voice available to cover it up.

“What’s the sound?” Swinton asked, her head tilting about.

“Uhhh, central heating?” Dawn suggested, putting her hoof up.

Swinton looked over at the radiator and gave it a few kicks, the odd sound stopping. She turned away, just as two reply bangs rung out from it.

“See! You fixed it,” the prisoner ewe said, shrinking back a bit as Swinton crossed her arms and stepped up to her.

“Now,” she said, before turning to the other prisoners. “Officer Barrowclaw here has had his bike go missing. Anyone know about that?”

Dawn did, given that her cellmate had been the one with the orders from the local incarcerated crime lord to retrieve it. The ewe meanwhile had been ordered to talk with the wolf officer himself in order to provide the distraction. Regardless, she and everyone else shook their heads.

“Right then,” she said, her crossed arms getting even more crossed. “It seems that we’ll have to take drastic action then. Back to your cells! Christmas is cancelled!”

There was a set of groans all around as the inmates began trudging back. Dawn couldn’t help but notice her cellmate, a noted pickpocket, slip sufficiently behind Swinton, before wishing her companion officer season’s greetings regardless.

Back in they went, the doors were locked and they settled down to process the news. Dawn wondered if they’d be told to pull down the cut out snowflakes or paper chains, or whether they had a legal right to even do this.

Either way, there were things she could take solace in. Firstly, the shocked reactions coming outside from the prisoner officers, now aware of their involuntary item liberation, and secondly the sport of spectator item flushing that she and her cellmate could carry out for the next few hours. Little did they know it but, in time, things would work out for them. Christmas would be uncancelled, the mole prisoner, his tunnel off the mark anyway, would escape in a bin and, as an unintended consequence of a plot of hers, Dawn would take a cosy and much appreciate holiday in the prison infirmary thanks to an injured leg.

Not a conventional Christmas, but hey… Not the worst out there..?

.

.

“Retsuko! I think it’s just gotten more tangled!”

“How is this possible!” She growled, as her fists began trembling.

“I… I don’t know,” he panicked, before clicking his fingers. “Hang on, I have an idea!”

She immediately calmed down as he took out the tangled ring of lights and just hung them over the tree, nipping and tucking to get them on. They were a bit higgledy-piggledy, but they still looked decent.

“Yeah,” Retsuko said, smiling. “That works.”

“Yup,” Haida agreed, as he went to the plug switch and turned them on. The tree lit up, the lights shining out, before they flickered and went black.

“Oh… Another light must have,” Haida mumbled, as something lit inside of Retsuko. She’d had it with those lights! And now they were on the tree, it would be even harder to sort them out. Oh no, she was done being miss nice panda! Her teeth were bared, her claws stretched out and…

“-Hold on,” Haida interrupted. Retsuko paused, looking up at him as he got in beside her. “Count me in too.”

**“STUPID CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, MAKING US GRINCHY,**

**WHY CAN’T UNTANGLING THEM BE EASY!!!**

**CRAPPPPY LIGGGGGHHHHHTTTTTSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!**

**CRAPPPPY LIGGGGGHHHHHTTTTTSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!”**

So they sung their own Christmas song, before Haida eventually went out to get some new lights. As he walked, the hyena wondered how other people were handling their lights.

A pawful of miles to their north, one family was doing just that, along with all sorts of other stuff. Mrs Fox, muzzle in her recipe books, was busy prepping her meals. In the zone, she went over their stocks to see if they had everything. Potatoes of the regular and sweet variety, onions for all sorts of bits and pieces, carrots for roasting, cauliflower for application of cheese sauce, broccoli for boiling, exceedingly large quantities of parsnips given that every roast never had enough of them, a red cabbage and apples for braising…

It was all just the tip of the iceberg.

There was bread, cut up already, for stuffing; breadcrumbs for bread sauce, with portioned out cloves and nutmeg by the side; cleaned and prepped brussel sprouts, this year to be spiced up and roasted; bug sausages deftly wrapped in turkey bacon, a culinary treat with an unusual porcine nickname; cream and spices for dauphinoise potatoes, along with already measured spices for all other sorts of thing. A jar of homemade cranberry sauce, a jar of homemade redcurrent jelly, a bag full of bones for use in the meat stock for use in the gravy. 

The gravy… Made from the bird itself. Not a standard caught and frozen wild goose, needing slow cooking to soften its tough lean meat… Not a farm goose, given their familiarity with the bird. No, this was a turkey, not even a wild one despite the families love of the gamey tang that their food normally carried. A fresh and plump farm bird, his skin dry bringing, seasoned, with butter and herbs placed underneath, all ready to turn glorious and golden when its big day came.

Mrs Fox’s pride and joy, just like the rest of this great dish. Her labour of love, given that her husband was managing the decorations. Unlike most families, they didn’t buy a Christmas tree. Instead, they had a friendly potted conifer which spent most of its days out in the fields, up until the day it was wheeled in for display by Mr Fox. The family patriarch would then spend his time decorating the other tree, the one they lived in, even if it wasn’t exactly evergreen.

Well, last year he would.

This year, he and his son carted in the little tree, doing it up together. Then, for the first time ever, Ash was allowed to help on the big tree. Outside with his father, he was given full partner status, doing half the work. Mr Fox had always viewed it as his labour of love, his shining beacon of how much he could master the yuletide spirit.

This year though, it was him and his son, doing the big job together. By the end he knew that it would be the same next year. Ash was tired from the work, a bit cold from being out in the snow, but he had a big smile on his face. Mrs Fox saw it too, it was the same one he’d had when she’d asked him to help her on the big day.

A knock on the door, two silverfoxes arriving, and the three mammals became five. Drinks were poured, laughs were had, and the yuletide spirit had them all. They’d be together for the lunch on the big day, along with two other special mammals.

Meanwhile, all the way back at Precinct 1, that pair were clocking out. Various officers had set up a tree, decorations were up, Bogo had groaned at Nick’s suggestion of tinsel wrapped pawcuffs…

But things were good, for the both of them.

“Want to do some ice skating, Slick?” Judy asked.

Nick looked down and smiled. “Now why would you ask that of me?”

“Well,” she smirked. “It’s a certain time of year, don’t you know?”

“Have I seen the signs of it coming? Yes, yes I have.”

They looked at each other and fist bumped, before going off to enjoy the Christmas season.


	5. Chapter 5

**Christmas special 2 (2019)**

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**AN: Last time, and I expect a few face slaps here, it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas everywhere we went.**

**This time… Well, this is the big ‘out there’ one to round things off. Fantastic Foxes of Zootopia is planned to have three core series, ending in a grand finale. However, after that, I’ve been leaving it open for a potential Zistopia crossover 4 th season. Beyond that, I have a few fun little ideas for a potential fifth season set in SPAAAACCCCEEEEEEEEE……**

**Because hey, Fox McCloud and Rocket and such live out there, so once the core plot is wrapped up, why not? For funsies.**

**Regardless of whether I get that for or not, this could be considered a FFoZ spinoff/ non-canon fic, given that it includes my versions of Jack and Skye, along with some characters who may or may not be appearing later on (either in the main 3 seasons, or beyond in the potential other ones).**

**Confused?**

**You won’t be after this episode of ‘Christmas Carols/ Fantastic Foxes of Zootopia oneshots and drabbles.’**

.

.

SYS REBOOT INITIATED.

S-O-THESEUS PROTOCOL SUCCESSFUL. CONSCIOUSNESS CONTINUITY MAINTAINED.

AUTOCLONE PREPARED.

RESURECTION IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE….

.

A brisk hiss broke through the dark room, cut through by the sudden gasp for air of a bunny doe. Rubbing her head, looking around, feeling her paws, she bent over and cradled her head as she tried to process what had just happened.

“Carrots?”

The worried call flashed across her ears and she turned, preparing herself just in time for a fox to run up to her, hugging her tight. Maybe a bit too tight.

“Ooohhh…” she groaned, as Nick stepped back, looking over her and slowly but surely touching bits of her body. Her ears flicked down as each tip was touched, her nose twitched as Nick’s thumb pad ran down it, and she felt a shiver run through her body as he got down on his knees, looking right into her eyes. His began to water, though he brushed it away before letting out a mix between a sob and a laugh.

“You know, they told me it would work, and I…” he began, before having to halt as his emotions got the better of him.

Judy suddenly felt very cold as she looked around, looked at the wires and tubes sticking into her body, and remembered what had just happened. She hadn’t even been ready for it coming and, were these normal circumstances, that would have been that. Many mammals had once called her crazy when she, a bunny, had decided to be a cop. They even looked to her friend Sharla, a sheep with the dream of being an astronaut, and joked that that was a safer and more feasible career choice. Judy Hopps became a cop anyway, and had then begun seeing things in her life that she could have scarcely imagined before. Everything had just gotten crazier and crazier, and she couldn’t help but think back to those mammals in her past, and the irony of what they’d said.

Here she was, a cop, who’d done crazier things than they could imagine and _then_ gone to space like Sharla. And, to top it off, it was only when she did that that she actually died.

“I mean, we were all told about the cloning and respawn system when we were picked up,” Nick carried on, looking away as the words just rolled off his tongue. “As soon as you were gone, we were told the system had kept that small element of your conscious going and was bringing you back. It really would be you, in a brand-new body that we saw being put down. I mean, you’d be fine, you were being respawned but… -You still died, fluff. I had to sit through that and, even though you were returning, it…”

He was broken off as she leant forward and hugged him tight, him responding in kind. They were silent for a minute or more, their tears dripping down from their eyes as they held each other again. Finally, things started moving again. The Medi-bot helped to unwire Judy’s new body while Nick went straight for a cupboard, bringing out one of the spare ‘Lazarus circuits’. Placing it onto her head, he watched her flinch as it worked its way inside. A notification on the system screen popped up to say that the link was up and going and, with that, Judy Hopps gained the ability to cheat death for a second time.

Soon the other mammals onboard began filtering in, catching up, before, eventually, she felt alright to move on her own. Dressing up again in new clothes, her old ones (and the rest of the old her) currently turned to dust by a plasma canon, she stepped out of the lab, both she and her fox finally settling down.

Nick felt good about teasing her again, so things were more or less back to normal.

“Niiick… Stop sniffing me.”

“Hey,” he shrugged, “Just enjoying that new bunny smell while it lasts.”

“I have a new bunny smell?” she asked.

“Yeah you do,” came a call from the other end of a corridor. Judy looked down and saw Skye there, sitting down and eagerly examining a part of their spaceship with one of their new alien allies.

Yup, she reminded herself, there were aliens now. This was where her life, in all its evil villain fighting, elder god defeating, dimension hopping, fox frickin’, space faring and now time travelling course had taken her. Outwardly he appeared very mammalian, so much so that the best description for him was a lion-fennec hybrid. In reality, he was a ‘lombax’ commando by the name of Ratchet who they’d first encountered on their arrival in the Lylat system, itself an area of space populated by sentient descendants of abducted earthlings.

“Right then,” Judy agreed, before pausing, trying to figure out what they were working on.

“We’re just looking at a potential malfunction in the ventilation system,” she explained.

“Yeah,” the lombax agreed. “Seems our little space battle caused one of the gravity generators to turn waaayyyy up. Jolted a whole bunch of systems.”

“Such as snapping a whole set of bulkhead sealers shut,” Skye carried on, as she grabbed a small wrench and leant into a service duct again. “Moreover, they’ve been slightly deformed.”

“The orders we gave them to reopen only bent the connecting rods further out of shape,” Ratchet added, holding up a deformed metal flange. “It seems like whoever built this ship chose to go cheap and use components with mild steel, not carbon fibre.”

“So, we’ve having to take them apart, bend them back into shape, and then temper them to add some strength,” Skye carried on, the sound of an electric whirr calling out. She pulled herself back out of the service duct, wiped the grease from her brow, and placed two more deformed rods on the ground.

Judy nodded, before looking up to Nick, the red fox nodding knowingly. It just so happened that before having to step up and save his galaxy for the first time Ratchet was a mechanic just like Skye. Not just a mechanic, but a damn good one, talented enough to build and maintain his own ships. Bonding over their shared interest had been one of the first things they’d done, and was one of the strongest friendships forged in their new alliance.

“I’ve brought him along, just as you requested,” came a new, computerised voice, as Ratchet’s little robot companion Clank walked up. He turned to Judy on seeing her and, with his one-piece metal jaw, did the closest thing he could do to smiling with glee. “Oh, it is good to see you up and walking again Mrs WildeHopps. I hope the Lazarus protocol wasn’t too taxing on your biological functions.”

“No,” she said, smiling at the little electronic cutie. “Just a bit surreal.”

“Hmmmm,” he pondered, his circuits likely working overtime to decipher that more complex mammalian emotion. “I hope it passes soon. Regardless, I’d like to give you an update on our current situation. I hope I’m free to do so, Ratchet.”

“Yeah, of course buddy,” the lombax replied, patting him on the back. “It’s the big guy I need here, not you.”

They all turned to the big guy, whose presence rounded off the trifecta of animal, vegetable and mineral, as he spoke in agreement. “I am Groot.”

Clank nodded. “Indeed Groot,” he said, before leaving the sentient tree alien to bend the pieces of metal for the mechanics. Judy nodded and waved and, together, the three of them set off towards the main rec-room of the ship. Judy also liked him, though he certainly added to the whole surrealness issue, likely more than any other here. Groot, alongside the _second_ kleptomaniacal procyonid in their group, owned this ship, and had been key in getting them around this great undiscovered country. “I sense the surrealness issue is not going away,” Clank said.

“Yeah,” Judy said quietly nodding. “Groot tends to do that.”

“There is likely no reason to dwell on it,” he continued, leading them into a lift. Nick pressed the right button and off they went. “Regardless, our escape via the auto-firing of the experimental time drive was a success, though it left us entangled over the course of several thousand millennia. I believe I’ve stabilised us at our present time, though there is still a margin of error of a percentage point or so.”

With a ping they reached their floor, walking out. “Which means we could still be well off our own time,” Nick noted.

“Exactly,” Clank continued, “though there’s the opportunity to make a few correction leaps and get there, so it isn’t an issue. However, it would be most useful if we could gain a rough approximate for when we’ve landed.”

“Which is why…” Nick led on, as they turned and entered the rec room. Judy gasped as she looked out of the main window, spotting a familiar sight below. Earth, her home. She stepped back a bit, her paws going over her mouth, and a tear crept from the corner of her eye as she gazed at it from space for the very first time.

“Enjoying the view,” came another, familiar, voice, and Judy turned to see an old friend standing there, next to her.

“Sharla, it’s… It’s…”

Her old friend smiled, walking up to her and holding her tight as they took it in. “I know,” she said, as they watched the Mediterranean Sea float by beneath them. Night was coming in from the east, covering up the levant and half of Cyprus, but no lights were coming on. Nick’s ears went back, as he looked over at Judy and Sharla, before peering back out again at the view in front of him.

“Hey, Clank?”

“Yes?”

“Do your eyes have a zoom function?”

“They have many augments, including that. Why do you ask?”

“See that bit of land that looks like a boot, and then the bit that looks like an upside-down paw to the right of it?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Top right of that paw, where it connects to the rest of the landmass, follow it up. Do you spot a city there?”

There was a whirring from the robot’s eyes before he nodded. “Affirmative. It seems we’re still in the timeframe of your species’ main civilisations, albeit in the past.”

Nick nodded. “That’s ancient Athens,” he said, before looking to the side. “Up on the west side of that boot. Is there a big city there?”

“There appears to be multiple.”

Nick smiled. “Ancient Rome,” he said, as a hoof clicked to his side.

“Below that there should be a volcano,” Sharla said excitedly. “To the south of that is there a town with a large colosseum?”

“Yes, I can see one in the foothills.”

“Pompei,” Nick nodded. “So, we’re before sixty-nine AD for a start.”

“This provides a useful upper bound for when we’ve arrived,” Clank concluded, “but not a lower one. That would require a personal inspection or investigation. At least I believe so, I don’t think the fellow time travellers in our alliance have any other ideas.”

Another voice, one that was incredibly nasal, spoke out, the group turning to see its owner and his companion. “I’m afraid that in no uncertain terms that we do not,” he said, he being a sentient turtle in a wheelchair called Bentley. “My previous system used an artifact from a specific time period to act as an alignment target while in the corporeal non-space. While we do have many of those, I am afraid to say that we do not have the equipment to procure our time travel system.”

“Given your time travel exploits, couldn’t you procure it from yourselves,” Sharla asked, “or would that, you know, stop time or something?”

“Trust me on this one,” the turtle’s companion, the _first_ kleptomaniacal procyonid in their group, said. All eyes turned to one Sly Cooper. “Time stuff gets pretty messy when you start dealing with it.”

“Oh, right then Sly,” she said, nodding. “You’re the expert.”

“I’d say more victim than expert, but you get the gist. Anyway, you do realise that trying to get that stuff means getting it from me and at least one other member of my family. While our main thing is stealing, that kind of helps you know how to not get stolen from.”

“Additionally,” Clank summarised. “We would need to locate our time and your location for that, rendering the point moot.”

“Either way,” Nick pondered, as a door hissed and a new companion entered. “All we need to do is have some of us step down there and ask a few questions. Feel up for the job, agent Stripes?”

The group turned to see the striped jackrabbit Jack Savage, currently dressed up in a super-smart suit, nod appreciatively. Out of all of them and all of their adventures, his had been the biggest change. He looked down it his cufflink, fiddled with it, glanced up and nodded. “I believe I could find the time.”

The corny joke got a collective groan… With the exception of Nick and Sly, who snorted and laughed at it. A little smile grew on Jack’s face as he folded his arms.

“Right,” Nick said, composing himself. “Stripes, you’re in. Given your experience, how about you Masky?”

Sly paused, the paw holding his cane rapping a bit. “Well, I could,” he said, glancing over at Nick as he said it. “But I do sort of have a bad guy in the past who _really_ doesn’t like me.”

“Well, lucky for you,” came another voice, as the second kleptomaniacal procyonid entered. “I’ve just done a scan and unless we’re dropping down an entire continent away then I think you and your little Strigiphobia issue ain’t gonna be a problem.” They all turned to see the captain of the ship on deck as he walked up to Sly, leant on him, then cracked him a wink and a finger gun salute.

“Yeah, yeah, Rocket,” Sly agreed, looking down at the smaller racoon. “You have a hadron enforcer on your back and everything. Just, you know, want to be safe and all.”

“If you really want, I have a few nukes onboard and can….”

Rocket was shut off by a collective set of “No’s” and frantic paw waves, something he matched with a roll of his eyes. “Anyhow, I’ve parked her over a bit of land but I’m keeping the engine on, in case our bad guys also get a time drive or something.”

“That explains why the radiator systems are white hot then,” Bentley added.

Rocket gave him a nod. “Yeah, well we’ve got the T-mat system operating and trained directly below us, the map you gave me said that we’d be dropping you off on the west coast of Turkey or something. You guys can pop down there, scan about, and then get back with what you’ve found and anything else you really want,” he said. “Now… -What!?”

He turned to look at Judy, her arms crossed and her nose a-twitching.

“Oh, fine,” he grumbled. “No stealing… Let’s just get it over with.”

In the end, Sly, Jack and Judy were chosen to go down. Smaller mammals who could hold their own. Ratchet would have trumped them all, in no small part to his 2nd Amendment-lovers wet dream of an arms collection, but being an alien it was decided to have him stay onboard. Rocket, who was also similarly armed, would stay with him, given that it was still his ship. The three mammals got into the T-mat system, checked that the Lazarus system and their translator chips were still functioning, before getting beamed down.

.

.

…

They landed on top of a wooden cover, which promptly gave away beneath them, dumping them onto a pile of straw. They settled down, got up and looked around, finding them in an ancient looking farming village. The night was hot and sounds were coming out of a nearby house. Sly stood up and silently ran to a nearby tree, scrabbling up it before leaping onto the huts roof. Jack and Judy ran to the wall, backs to it, as they listened in, their translators hard at work.

“It seems to have gone,” a male voice said from inside.

“Are you sure dear?” a female voice whispered, as some soft creaking came from up above. Pulling the thatch away, Sly peeked in, before peeking out, humming appreciatively.

“I don’t know,” the male voice from inside said, groaning as the sound of two mammals moving sounded out. “But if they think they can get away with ruining our first time, then I will show them what my horns are for.”

“Just, be careful Jo…”

“-I will be, Mary,” he said, as he marched forward, peering out of the window. Jack and Judy watched as a ram stuck his head out and looked over, cursing at the sight of the broken lid. “Some lamb or pup must have jumped onto the hay store lid,” he cursed, marching off. “I can’t believe this. If I didn’t know and it had rained tonight…”

Jack and Judy wandered off to the side, watching as he, followed by an ewe, walked out over to it. “Curses,” she muttered, looking at the damage. “I’ll help you fix it”

“Thanks,” he said, cradling his forehead in his hoof. “I mean… Without this, and with the journey coming up…”

“I know dear,” she spoke, shivering a little. “Stupid roman laws…”

“That’s the way it is,” he said, before smiling a little. “Just thank the lord it isn’t the sabbath.”

“Indeed.”

He nodded before leaning forward, pulling up the cover. The ewe meanwhile went over to a store of firewood and brought over some large, flat, thin strips of bark. Jack and Judy meanwhile edged around, Sly dropping silently between them. Together they found a sandy bit of ground and began scooping it up, taking samples for isotopic analysis back at the ship’s lab. As they did so though, they paused as they heard one of the sheep speak out. “Hey, look up there,” she said.

“My heavens, a new star?”

“Maybe it’s a sign from the lord.”

The three space mammals looked up, their eyes widening as they saw a white glow directly above them. “The ship,” Judy gasped, remembering that they were venting heat to the point where the radiators were white hot.

Jack nodded, “I…”

“YOU THREE! STAY WHERE YOU ARE!” They jolted up, freezing as they saw the ram from earlier, holding a piece of wood in his hooves and staring them down. “WHO ARE YOU!”

They both stood upright, Sly looking at the two bunnies beside him before stepping forward. “Greetings. We are centurions from the local garrison. These are my companions, Naughtius Maximus and Sillius Sodus; I am Biggus Dickus. We’re just a bit lost. Do you know the way to Troy?”

The ram shook his head as his wife, holding her own staff, marched up behind him in support. “Who are they?” she asked.

“Trespassers, thieves,” he muttered, before glaring at Jack. He looked at the hare, who was significantly larger than Judy, with a slight curiosity. “You, are you Efrafan?” he asked, Jack rolling his eyes in response.

“I’m sorry for disturbing you,” Judy spoke, stepping forwards, lowering her head a little. “We are just lost travellers and, if you don’t mind us, we’ll be on our way.”

The ram shook his head. “I’m afraid I can tell that that’s not true. The Efrafan wears clothes I have never seen before, while the grey fox has a strange weapon.”

“Just… family heirloom,” Sly said, gesturing with his cane a bit. “You know.”

“Mary,” he said. “Get the neighbours. We’ll then call a real centurion from the garrison. I don’t know who they are, but they feel like danger.”

“I understand your concern,” Jack said diplomatically, stepping forwards. “However, I have a tablet with proof of our word on it.” He then deftly slipped his phone out of his pocket and turned it on, the sheep gasping as it lit his face up. “It back lights with a flammable wick,” he rounded off, “all the rage in Rome. In fact, if you just look into this round thing here…”

They looked into the camera, before pulling back as they were hit with a flash of light. They stood still, unsure, before Jack stepped forward. “Apologies. I’m Biggus Dickus, from the local garrison. My companions, Sillius Soddus and Naughtius Maximus were following an escaped slave who ran through here and who damaged your hay store. There’s no need to worry, just go back to bed and we’ll have it all fixed up for you. Hail Caeser.”

“Hail,” the sheep rather absently said, turning to go back. Judy gave her own ‘Hail’ while Sly did the salute but went ‘Klop’ at the end. He then looked down at Jack, and his phone.

“The neutraliser’s an app now?” he asked, smiling a bit.

Jack nodded, slipping it away. “It’s something that’s quite easy to forget,” he said, as they wandered over to fix it up as said. That done, they gave the pair a second wipe with a linger to be sure, using it as cover to get beamed back up.

.

.

“So, this is where we came from,” Rocket pondered, looking out of the window. Day had come, lighting up Pawasia Minor in front of them.

“I am Groot.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. But, still… My species, my home…”

“I am Groot.”

“And you say you don’t have a gambling problem.”

“I am Groot.”

“Dude. Anulax batteries,” he said, smiling smugly. “Anulax _frickin’_ batteries.”

“Take it from a mechanic,” Ratchet said, slipping back onto his chair. “They’re pretty awesome batteries.”

“Take it from a robot,” Clank said, as he used his heli-pack to fly up to his companion. “They are.”

“Indeed,” Bentley said, as he drove into the room on the wheelchair with Sly and his other old teammate, a large hippo called Murray. “Each one can output more power than one-hundred precursor power cells for a start.”

“I know one alien who’d be pissed about that, am I right?” Sly asked, giving a knowing look to Ratchet.

“Arguably yes,” Bentley agreed, as he looked at his data tables. “However, I think we have more interesting results to look at. The analysis is complete, and looking at the isotope ratios in various different atoms I can estimate, to a degree of certainty within one week or less, that we’re currently stuck two-thousand and twenty or so years before our current time.”

“Cool,” Nick smirked. “Maybe we can stick around a bit for the first Noel.”

“The first what?” Rocket asked.

“Long story short, favourite holiday of our world is about the birth of the son of god, yadda yadda happy happy, we give presents and eat too much food. But, we keep track of our dates in the number of years after the little baby was born. It’s currently the end of the year twenty-nineteen so, given what Hard Top over there said, he should be on the little road to Bethlehem right about now.”

“It’s a bit too early about that,” the turtle said, looking through it. “I know it’s a virgin birth, but now’s about the time they’re doing very unvirgin like things.”

“Yeah,” Judy said, “like…” She froze, her voice trailing off in shock as everyone turning to look at her. “Oh sweet cheese and crackers…”

Sly blinked a few times, before giving a nervous chuckle. “Well, another fun thing for Carmelita to be mad about.”

“Am I missing something?” Rocket asked, looking between them all.

“Logically they’ve just realised that they’ve interfered with it,” Clank noted, as Murray facepalmed in fear.

“Oh god! We’ve now destroyed Christmas! We’ve got to fix it!”

“No,” Judy spoke, suddenly looking up. Everyone turned to face her as she jumped up onto the table, walking around, its forcefield surface buzzing beneath her feet. “We met a Mary and a Joseph,” she said. “Losing their virginity, but we blanked their minds. They’ll think it’ll be a virgin birth. We haven’t destroyed Christmas. In a way, we created it.”

Nick nodded. “Thanks to us, billions of little school children will be singing hymns and wonder what the word virgin means. This must truly be our finest contribution to earth history.”

“So, it seems we didn’t screw it up,” Skye said, breathing a sigh of relief. “We should probably get out of here before we mess anything else up.”

“I am Groot.”

“What he said,” Rocket said, slipping of his seat. “Right, home we go.” He began wandering up to the cockpit, only to get cut off by Sharla.

“We can’t!”

Everyone froze, turning to her, before Judy blinked. “If you’re thinking what I’m thinking.”

“I think I am.”

“I thing you are.”

“What are they thinking?” Nick asked.

“I am Groot.”

“You think I’m going to translate that,” Rocket said, before looking over to Clank. “Keep your mouth shut too, tin boy.”

“I think you’ll find I’m made of…” he began, only to be cut off by a nudge from Ratchet.

“What are we thinking about?” he asked, watching as Sharla marched over, standing in front of the great window.

“The story of the nativity is known by everyone. From it, you get Jesus, a known historical figure, the records show he exists. He created the most important religion on earth, he’s arguably the most influential figure in mammal history. He… -Yes, we know Sly, I said arguably. But here’s the thing, there isn’t a miraculous conception. We created that. But what about the rest of it? The angel appearing from heaven? The Shepard’s, the wise men, everything… To a rational scientific mind, that doesn’t exist. Only now, seeing this technology, we can start to explain it.”

“Oh sweet Mother Marian,” Nick whispered, as the rattling of Sly’s cane rang out across the room. Skye’s jaw dropped down, Jack made an ‘oooing’ sound in appreciation of how original this was, while the non-earthlings looked on confused.

“Am I missing something?” Ratchet asked.

“Okay, Christmas story one-oh-one,” Nick began, standing up and giving them the briefing. “Classic trope, as Stripes can attest, is that, _insert group here (usually kits)_ , have to save Christmas.”

“Yup,” the Jackrabbit said.

“Only now, on top of everything we’ve done, we’re in a situation where we can… No, we must, do one better. We’re not going to save Christmas. We’re going to create Christmas!”

.

Mary was working hard the next day. She had to make preserves and winter food, but not just the normal kind. The romans had called a census, requiring she and her husband return to his hometown of Bethlehem. That meant the food had to be even lighter, especially as they didn’t have enough money to have an ostrich cart tow them or something. As if to add insult to injury, much of where they were going was semi-desert, and with so many going the same way she didn’t feel confident in there being much grazing grass left. Not enough to keep them going fast enough, that was for certain.

On she worked and on she sighed. She’d been ill lately, while feeling odd. Her estrus had failed, though thankfully Joseph was understanding. She just hoped she’d be alright before working harder still. After all, the sabbath would be starting in a few hours, so she needed stuff for that ready for a start.

“I’m putting the bread on,” came a call from inside, as Joseph got back.

“Thank you, my love,” she said, getting up and walking in. Feeling a sudden wave of exhaustion hit her, she slumped into him, letting him hold her tightly. They looked into each others eyes, he kissed her, before he looked up and began backing away in fear, his face awash with light. Mary glanced behind and shrieked, jumping into him as they ran back against the wall, terrified at what was going on.

“Do not fear,” a voice spoken, and they looked at each other before looking at the light, a figure emerging from it. With brilliant green eyes, two feathered wings either side of him, and a golden halo hanging above, the fox stepped down and bowed. “Mary and Joseph, of the House of David, I am the Angel Gabriel, servant to the Lord.”

The pair looked at each other before bowing down in praise.

“There is no need to grovel, my children, the Lord gets a bit tired of grovelling,” he spoke. “Please, look at me, for I have wonderful news.” That they did, as he smiled. “Mary, for your honesty and virtue, the Lord has granted upon you the greatest task of all. Despite being a virgin, you shall bare a child, _his_ child. The son of god, who he entrusts to you to raise, for he shall be the messiah and his name shall be Jesus.”

“My…My lord,” Mary spoke, crying, “Praise him. Praise him to the highest…”

“If you wish, though he has undertook therapy since the old testament days, and is now a rather chill guy. If you all just act nice and kind, that’s enough.”

The two sheep both paused, blinking a little.

“Also, he’s cool with shellfish now, made peace with pigs, says you can tone down the Sabbath a fair bit, and he’d also like to say that he found the whole wire Eruv thing rather cheeky, it made his day.”

Joseph blinked a few times. “Eruv?”

“Pardon me, I’m speaking before my time,” Nick reminded himself. “Oh, one final note, he’s decided stoning is bad, foreskins are good.”

“We will honour his wishes,” Mary said, bowing again. Joseph blinked a few times, unsure, before jolting into action and bowing down beside her.

“Yes, my lord.”

“Very well, may his blessings be upon you,” Nick said, before he vanished.

Up on the ship, Nick exited the teleportation room, walking over to the main room. “There, that’s done,” he said, brushing his paws and sitting down next to Rocket, the racoon reading through a book about Jesus.

“Hey, Nick?”

“Yeah.”

“Your civilization’s _really_ F’d up.”

“Yeah, but we love it.”

“I am Groot.”

“No, we’re not putting presents under you, and you can hang lights and tinsel up on yourself if you really wish.”

“I am Groot.”

“And you can put an angel or a star on your head too,” he grumbled, only to flinch as he heard Nick yelp. Looking up, he saw Groot grabbing the fox, lifting him up and putting him on his head.

“I am Groot.”

Rocket laughed, as did all the other earthlings as they caught on, even Nick, the fox relaxing as he got it. “For the record Fluff,” he said, looking down at her. “All of our trees are going to have a star on top of them from now on, not an angel.”

She rolled her eyes as Sharla walked up next to her. “Okay, that’s that sorted. But Groot here puts up an interesting issue.”

“Please, you flatter me,” Nick said.

“You can do your angel thing for most jobs, while we can organise the three wise men. But what about the star?”

Everyone paused, stuck in thought except for Jack. He looked around, almost confused, before grinning madly. “Oooh, I get one!”

“Huh?” Sharla asked.

“I thought it would be obvious, at least to Sly and Judy.”

“I…” Judy began, before leaping up and binkying. “Yes, brilliant!”

“Yeah, that’s pretty good,” Sly complemented.

“Mind filling us in?” Skye asked.

“We saw the star when we were down there, right above us…”

“-The Ship!” the vixen exclaimed, as Rocket chuckled. “We’re the Star!”

“Good old radiators,” he said, slipping off. “I can turn her down and slip her into position, then spark up again when the time is right.”

“Operation first Noel, going smoothly,” Nick smirked, as they began preparing for the next stage.

They performed a small time hop to speed up the journey, before getting into position. Beaming up above the small West Bank town of Bethlehem, the radiators were turned on, the light shining out as they moved themselves over an inn house’s stable.

Down on the ground, Judy, Sharla, Skye and Murray slipped into a small crowd walking forward. The giant hippo got a few glances, but Skye was mostly ignored. Being a swift fox, her entire species was on an entirely different continent, having not made any migrations from it during the ice age like horses or racoons had. However, she could easily be passed off as any other native sand fox species, or even a red fox with an odd colour to her. Hippo’s were heard about, but much rarer in these parts. In any case, his size drew the most attention, as did his demeanour. “Wow, this is warm,” he noted, as they walked along past sandy fields and twisted cedar trees. “I was in England for a summer once and it felt just like this.”

Skye shrugged. “Yeah, not what you think when you think Christmas.”

Judy and Sharla nodded. Nobody paid any mind to them, after all, the place was teeming with sheep and bunnies. Into the various inns they went, asking about the state of the rooms. Most were booked, with various mammals staying the night there. Arriving at the inn in question, they went in, spotting the two camels in the main room. One with one hump, the other with two.

“Hey, looking for a room for tonight?” the one asked.

“Yeah,” the other said. “We’ve got plenty.”

The four looked at each other nervously. “We may be back in a bit,” Judy said.

“Are you sure?” one of them asked. “Busy night tonight. May run out.”

“We’ll see,” Sharla said, as they made her way out. They all found a quiet space, at which point she spoke. “Right, we know what we have to do.”

Judy blinked. “We can’t.”

“Listen, we all know it has a happy ending.”

“But she’s pregnant… and we don’t… stable,” Judy exasperated. “And… and those two camels were really getting along,” she noted, her brow furrowing a little. “Guess they have five-hundred years left of that.”

“Nineteen hundred or so,” Sharla clarified, looking over to a confused Murray to fill him in. “That’s when the US army started hiring camels to help take the west… and when the Russian Orthodox Bactrians got all the promotions over their one-humped Muslamb cousins. You all know the rest.”

“Yup,” Judy groaned. Stupid stinking history…

“Why don’t we just wait and see if they all get filled up,” Murray suggested, the group nodding in agreement. So, they waited and watched as crowds went past, Centurions marched this way and that and, as evening fell, a star began to shine above.

Finally, up ahead, they saw it. A donkey pulling a rickshaw, carrying a pregnant Ewe along a road, a ram by her side. The four looked at each other and walked in. “Listen,” Sharla said, “I know basic medicine. If we take a room, I’ll pay her back by pretending to be a healer. I can help deliver, as can you as you’ve seen it done. Heck, I can even give her an epidural.”

“Hey, friends!” one of the camels cheered. “We have one room left. Cramped, but dry and warm at night!”

The three turned to Judy who groaned, nodding. “Right, sounds fair, still hate it.”

Sharla smiled a bit, before going up and paying for the room, the group of them quickly filtering off to it. Tiny and cramped, thankfully on the ground floor and able to support Murray, they watched as two figures walked out to the small stable at the back, parting between the flocks of fowl and resting on the stored hay bales. Sharla dressed up a bit and, with Judy, stepped out to meet them.

.

.

.

Far off, nestled on top of a sparse hill, an argument was going on. On one side a group of Eweish sheep were bitterly arguing, holding back their small flock of ostriches, the distressed birds thumping the ground and looking around with worry in their eyes. Their culture had long been built on the caring of such larger animals, for trading and bartering to those who had use for them as steeds or meat. In front of them were a group of mammals who regularly used them for both, which was a massive problem since they were hares. In the local tongue, they were called ‘Battle Hares’. In their native, they were Efrafan, and they were a long way from home.

Still, though the hills here were made of steep gravel and hard rocks, with naught but thorny bushes growing on them, the sheep shepherds had allowed the hares to rest with them for the night. They had no quarrel with them worshiping their strange god, but then they’d started eating small amounts of dried meat with their larger meals. To the hares, such a thing was a proud tradition of their people; to the sheep it was a flagrant shattering of their most vital dietary law. They’d requested at first for it to stop, then argued, and now the two faced each other, a thick tension in the air.

They were distracted though as a shimmering light began to appear in front of them, drawing their attention to it as fear began to grow in their eyes. The leader of the hares gave a few whistles and a scared call, his men hopping onto the backs of their beasts and racing off down the hill. The sheep, trapped by a precipice behind them, huddled in mortal dread as the light grew and a figure appeared. A red fox, with wings and a halo. “Do not fear Shepherds, for I bring great and holy news. In the town of David, Bethlehem, a child has been born in an inn’s barn’s manger, and he is the son of the lord and the messiah. Glory to god and peace to all mammals, haveth they long ears, pointy scary teeth, bushy wool, etcetera etcetera.”

The sheep stared back, shellshocked, before one walked forward, up to Nick. The fox couldn’t help but think that the boy was little more than twelve, yet here he was. “Do not worry little one, I…”

He cut himself off as the young sheep grabbed on to the tip of his tail, curiously feeling it. “So slick…” he managed to say, only for the rest of the sheep to race forward, drag him off, and hold him down.

“Our great apologies o servant of the lord. We don’t mean so much disrespect, I…”

“Hey, hey, hey…” Nick urged, calming them down. “No need to get worked up. Just a curious boy touching a fox-angel tail. Not like he looked in the arc of the covenant or anything.”

“I…. Yes, my lord,” the head of the shepherds said, before pausing. “Should we take the ostriches, or…”

“Yep, take the ostriches, follow the star, you know the drill. Actually, no you don’t, just…”

“Follow the star to Bethlehem,” the leader said, pointing up at the glow in the night.

“Yep, that’s the one, I’ll see you there,” Nick said, saluting a bit before he teleported up. Back on the ship, he walked out of the teleporter room as Jack, Rocket and Sly walked in.

“Real smooth there,” the latter one teased.

“Okay, first off, I didn’t know there were children there. Don’t work with them and animals, isn’t that right Stripes?”

Jack turned back and nodded.

“Secondly, Masky, want to go check out the arc of the covenant once this has all been sorted?”

The racoon, adjusting his disguise as he entered the teleporter machine, just crossed his arms and let out a little smirk. “We could, but I’m afraid the novelty wears off pretty quickly.”

And, with that, they teleported back down, Nick rolling his eyes as he walked away. “Why am I not surprised,” he mumbled, passing Bentley as he operated the controls. The turtle looked at him before bending down, pulling out an ancient leather bound tome, a stylised racoon’s head on its front.

“If you really want, go to page fifty-seven,” he said, “there’s a set of sketches there.”

.

Down on earth, in the stables, Judy and Sharla were busy at work. Getting clean fabric out, shooing out the chickens and other birds, tidying up the place, and being there to help the mother in labour. Her husband held her hoof tight as she groaned and screamed, crying from the pain. The bunny spared a glance and panicked, running to her friend. “He’s coming out breach!”

Sharla nodded, racing over. “It seems this is coming quickly, so my pain removing magic will not work. But your son is coming out legs first. We have special tools to help widen the passage.”

“Please,” Mary whispered, before she grit her teeth as another contraction rippled through her. Bringing up a pair of sterilised forceps, the two girls did the best they could, trying to keep it open and guide the young lamb out. Mary screamed once more, Sharla held the gap open as tight as she could, Judy pulled, Joseph looked on with fear in his eyes, and a cry filled the night. Mary sunk back from exhaustion as the two mammals wrapped the newborn lamb, definitely a boy, up in a swaddling blanket and presented it to his mother. She wept and cried, holding his soggy and sticky woollen head under her chin, as she sung him a lullaby. Joseph was there with her, looking on very proudly yet with a slight distance from him.

There was the sound of paws on the floor, and he looked over to see Skye walking over with Murray. The hippo was enraptured by the child, shaking a little from the cuteness overload, while Skye had a great smile on her face. She held back a bit though, thinking it was best to give the new parents space, though she was a bit confused to see someone else standing there. “Joseph?”

He paused, looking down. “How do you know my name?”

Skye blinked a few times, trying to come up with a response. “Judy told me. That’s right, Judy told me.”

“You didn’t need to say it twice,” the ram pointed out.

“No, I didn’t,” she replied, calming down a bit. She looked around, before looking up at him. “Aren’t you going to meet your son?”

Though she was bad at reading faces, she couldn’t help but notice a slight sense of sadness and longing in his eyes. “He is not mine,” he finally spoke, “though I will love Mary and provide for them for the rest of my days.”

Skye stepped back a bit, before taking in a breath and walking forward, holding his hoof with her paw. “My father, and my mother, were not my ones,” she said. “They took me in as a baby, and loved me like they I was their own, while I loved them back. I’m their daughter, just like he’s your son. He’s there for you to love.”

Joseph looked down at her, his face as still as stone for a second or two before he smiled. “You are a wise one, vixen,” he said, as he walked forwards and held his son’s hoof. He kissed it, and then his nose. “My little Jesus, I will be there to care for you for the rest of my days. Praise be to the lord.”

“Praise be,” Mary added, as she rocked him in his arms, before putting him down into a waiting manger.

.

“Okay, meetup,” Jack announced, as he and his other two companions met in the market. Dressed up in arab like robes, and with ridiculous turbans on their heads, they found a quiet place and settled down. Jack pulled out what he’d got first, a jewel encrusted box. Opening it up, the two racoons either side of him looked in to see the amber crystals of dried tree resin that it held, ready to be burned on hot ashes as incense. “One frankincense, which looks completely different to what all young kids imagine it as.”

“What do they imagine it as?” Rocket asked, leaning over and giving a sniff or two.

Jack shrugged, an unsure look on his face. “Anything but this. Personally, I thought it was part of a certain mad scientists’ monster. I wrote a whole Easter story about Jesus using it to come back to life and then going on a killer zombie rampage and eating everyone’s brains.”

Sly gave a knowing smirk, before slipping out his own little jewelled box. “Now I want to know what you did with this stuff.” He undid the lid, revealing a different type of dried tree sap.

“Honestly nobody really cares about Myrrh,” Jack replied, Sly nodding in agreement. “Frankincense has the funny name and gold is gold, speaking of which...”

All eyes turned to Rocket who nodded, hoisting a bag off of his back before opening the top. Jack and Sly’s eyes widened as a massive collection of golden bars and trinkets clattered out. “Right,” he mumbled, as he began picking through them. “Mine. Mine. Also mine. Now I really like this one so definitely mine. Maybe I could give… -ooh, it has a gem in it, definitely keeping that.” As he went on Sly and Jack gave each other a nervous glance, before turning back down at him. “This looks like a golden leg, so I’m definitely keeping _that._ Now, this…”

“Where did you get that gold, racoon?”

The three of them gulped, turning up to see a lion in a roman uniform looking down at them.

“I’ve been hearing reports of a gold thief,” he continued, his eyes narrowing as he brought out his sword.

Rocket looked up to him and shrugged. “Well, as much as I’d like to consider the viewpoint of someone with a broom on his helmet, I’m happy to say that all this stuff is quite assuredly mine.”

Jack and Sly backed away slowly, as the lion leaned forward. “Do not take me as a fool.”

“Okay, okay, one of these will be for the son of god or whatever, I -HEY!”

Rocket leapt back as the lion swung out his sword, before pulling out a gun. “I’m warning you buster, I’m packin’ quite a bit of heat. This is a photon accelerating vaporisation pistol.”

The lion looked at him blankly, as Jack walked up to him. “What he’s trying to say is that you’ve brought a sword to a gunfight.”

“And what does that mean?”

“You’re highly cliched, for a start.”

“What is a cliché, Efrafan? And what is a gun?”

Rocket sniggered. “Something to distract you with, broom head.”

“DO NOT CALL ME…” _THWACK…_

Rocket and Jack watched as the centurion collapsed in front of them, Sly, cane in paw, standing on his head. “You know, you always should bring a cane to a gun and sword fight. Works every time.”

“Show off,” Rocket replied, grabbing up their gold as the marched off towards a glowing star.

.

Up on said star, Nick had just gone down again, disguised as a different fox so that he could observe the event. All those left on the ship were those who would be out of place on earth. A wheelchair reliant turtle, a lombax, a robot and a tree alien. They observed from afar, everything quiet until a light began to blink. “Oh no, that is _really_ not good,” the turtle said, suddenly slapping himself. “Guys, we have a big problem!”

Up the others ran, standing by him. “Yeah, what is it?” Ratchet asked.

“I am Groot,” Groot added.

“We, or rather I, may have forgotten to do our re-scan when we jumped forwards a few months,” he panicked. “That secondary target we were keeping an eye on has just pipped our proximity warming and, based on his location, is observing the scene from afar.”

“I am Groot.”

Clank nodded. “Indeed it is, if everything we’ve heard is true.”

Bentley nodded. “Based on previous behaviour, he should be doing only that, observing. But we must not let him interfere!”

“We won’t let him,” Ratchet saluted, grabbing out two heavy guns. He threw one to Groot, kept one for himself, and they raced towards the teleportation room. Bentley loaded in the coordinates and sent them down, only just glancing at the looks of fear on their faces as they vanished.

.

.

…

“This is earth, huh…” Ratchet commented, his paws hitting the ground. He looked over at Groot, holding his weapon but trembling ever so slightly, before looking down at Clank. The little robot walked over and clambered up onto his back.

“Let me try and open diplomatic communication, machine to…”

“ _Curious. You are not of this world_.”

They froze, paws or approximations of such trembling as they turned, their breath slow and heavy as a blast of wind cut over them, the ground shaking slightly as something heavy hit it. Stones cracked under brutal claws and they found themselves staring up at a great shadow, two beams of simmering orange light bathing them in its malice filled glow. “ _Or of this time,_ ” it said, its voice harsh and gravelly yet deep, powerful, proud.

Ratchet shrugged, nervously laughing as he began to back away. “Yeah, you got us. Just three time travellers, curious to check out this whole son of god thing. What are you doing here, same thing?”

A dark oily chuckle rang out and the thing leant down, staring at them. “ _You could say the same thing. But you are armed, are you not?_ ”

Clank slipped down and stepped forward, Ratchet holding his breath as he watched his friend venture forth. “As a former battle droid turned to peace, let me assure you that these are only for self-defence, and…”

“ _Defence from me, I expect._ ”

The trio hung silently, for a few seconds, before Groot stepped forward. “I am Groot.” He said, harshly.

The thing looked back, its head tilting slightly, and it spoke three long, drawn out, cold words. “ _I. Am. Groot._ ”

Clank panicked. “With respect, both of those were in self-defence. We don’t take any joy in destroying planets.”

“ _Given what they were, you took joy in them_ ,” the thing spoke. “ _Your reputation precedes you two. Do not push your luck that I believe your intentions here are good_.”

“And… Are… Yours…?” Clank asked.

The thing tilted its head. “ _My exile in the shadows has lasted eons_ ,” it said, harshly. “ _Even if I am to stay there until my time comes, can I note sate my curiosity along the way_?”

.

…

“I am Groot…” Groot said, quietly.

“I concur,” Clank offered, as Ratchet nodded.

“Yeah,” he said, his tongue hanging still for a second or two. “What they said.”

The thing tilted its head slightly. “ _I have seen what I came for. You would be advised to let me go in peace, rather than come to understand the excesses of my wrath in person_.”

And, with that it turned, a blast of air throwing sand and gravel into their faces as it took off into the night, vanishing into the blackness.

The three of them let out a long-held breath, panting in relief before huddling up to each other. They held each other tight as they tried to calm down from an experience they would never, much as they would wish to, forget.

Eventually, though, they calmed down. Clank, using his zoom, gave them a close up view of the goings on.

.

“Woah, keep the ostriches away from the baby!”

Murray nodded and along with Skye, the vixen a bit phased by the creatures, managed to get them to wait outside. Inside, the Shepherds had come, looking over the little lamb in person. Woken from his slumber, he jiggled and gaggled, gently holding on to one of their hooves.

There were some gasps though as three new figures, clad in rich clothing, arrived. “Who are you?” Joseph asked, as one of the shepherd’s nudged up to him. “The one in the middle looks like an Efrafan, just to warn you.”

“I am no Efrafan,” Jack spoke, bowing. “I am a mystic and wise man, a king if you will, from across the deserts in the East. We have travelled far, from the banks of the great inland sea and through the Purrsian rainforest, through mountains of snow and salt, all following the signs to this place. For here lies the son of god. Jesus, king of the Ewes.”

A hush grew among the crowd as Rocket walked forward. “I bring him gold.” He said, as he placed a small bar down next to him. “I guess he’ll enjoy it, the little thing. I… Ooooh, yes it is heavy, isn’t it. And shiny. And worth a lot too, don’t forget that you little cutey. Who’s a little cutey, you’re a little cutey.”

Judy had to stifle her laughter as Rocket softened up to the little baby ram, smiling as he petted him a little before stepping away, coughing a few times.

“Yeah. Gold. Valuable. Son of God, you know.”

“And I, the not Efrafan,” Jack said, walking forward. “Bring Frankincense. May you take comfort and pleasure in its sweet scent on dark and cold days.”

“We shall,” Mary said, taking the gift. “Bless you and bless the lord.”

“And bless this Myrrh,” Sly said, walking forwards. He placed it down, before leaning down to kiss the little lamb, who gurgled as he saw him, then tugging on his fake beard. Sly nudged his hoof away with his paw, caressing the infants head for a second or two before his face scowled up, a sudden shriek coming out.

“Ooops,” Sly joked, stepping back. “Made the son of god upset. Add that to the list too.”

“Oh don’t worry,” Mary whispered, as she held her son up to her, rocking him about. She looked down at him, tears leaking from her eyes again. “My precious son, you are so very special. You have had a long first day of life, and there is so much more to come. But rest now, dear. Rest now. All will be well, for we have God’s blessing.”

And so, she rocked him and sung him a lullaby, caring for him as he stopped his crying and drifted off to sleep. In the barn, the shepherds, along with Jack, Judy, Sly, Murray, Sharla, Rocket and Sly looked on. Outside, Nick, disguised differently, took a picture with his phone, quietly noting that this was this, and every other year’s, Christmas cards sorted. He then scrolled through his playlist and, for the locals at least, a strange and heavenly music filled the air for however brief a time. They’d return home and mention it to all they knew, speaking about the music of the angels that had filled the night. Far away, Ratchet, Groot and Clank watched from atop a hill. Far up above them, Bentley looked down.

.

Up aboard the ship, preparations were being made for the time shift back to their time. Skye and Ratchet were finishing the repairs, Clank and Bentley were doing diagnostics, Sharla and Rocket were recalibrating the controls, Murray was eating, Groot was grooting, Jack was sleeping while Nick and Sly were showing Judy the ‘I looked inside the arc and my face didn’t melt’ T-shirts that they’d made, complete with a collection of pictures.

Judy just looked on, her arms crossed. “Nick.”

“Yes, dear.”

“This is why I told you Sly was a bad influence on you.”

“Hey, I get that,” the racoon defended. “But on the other paw, who here discovered that Moses couldn’t spell neighbour?”

Judy rolled her eyes.

“He had a point, fluff,” Nick pointed out. “No wonder the Rabbi’s kept it so under wraps.”

Judy groaned before walking out. Everyone was getting ready for the jump back, taking one last good look at earth.

“We did something good today,” Judy said, smiling.

“I’ll say,” Murray agreed.

“I am Groot.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rocket said. “Helped birth a lamb and then doom him, part of the course. Let’s get going.”

Off he went, Ratchet looking on confused. “Doom him?”

“Ooh,” Nick noted. “Shotgun not telling him about Easter.”

There were a few nervous looks around, only for them to be cut off as Rocket marched back out, laughing. “Hey, which one of you smartypants did that!?”

There were looks of confusion all around, all of them landing and settling on a smugly smiling Sly. Rocket laughed. “No wonder he cried, you sneaky devil!”

The other racoon shrugged. “Heh, guilty as charged.”

“Have I missed something?” Skye asked.

“Well,” Rocket began, “We happen to have a new mammal logged on to the Lazarus system, and our records show a certain missing chip.”

All eyes turned to Sly, his grin only ever growing. Sharla began to chuckle, then laugh. Nick came up and gave him a full high-eight, followed by Jack. Skye was jiggling on the spot, Bentley nodding in appreciation and Murray and the rest had absolutely no clue what was going on.

“So,” Rocket said, as he began walking up to the cockpit. “Let’s jump forwards thirty years or whatever, shall we?”

“Uh, why?” Ratchet asked.

Nick smirked. “We’ve saved… -no, created, Christmas. Let’s go give Easter the same favour.”


End file.
